0224 Sunday 30 October 2011
Went to Sam's house with Ezra. She had a halloween party. I met Candace for the first time, saw Shelby for the second time, and met Katie, Kaitlyn, Ely, Tara, Megan, and Whitney. They all seemed awesome, and I hope I get to talk to/see them again.
Ezra is going to be playing WoW again.
I think I need a new battery for my laptop. Great...
Goodnight,
-Elle
30 October 2011
14 October 2011
I think I want to go home.
Friday 14 October 2011
Not sure why. I just do. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome. The Byrds are fantastic and hospitable, but I don't want to be a burden on them anymore.
Ezra. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings all the times that I did. And I'm sorry for wanting to go home. I think you need some much needed time off from me. I need to give you time to miss me. Just know, that nothing is your fault. I'm just fond of affection. Kisses, hugs, cuddling, holding hands. "I love you"s... I thought me being here, you would drop your games and Reddit for a while, at least until I left. I figured, "he can do all that stuff while I'm gone. I have a limited time here, he would want to spend every waking minute with me, right?" (But what is there to do in Mebane without a car? Without walking 5 miles to get somewhere? Without begging for a ride somewhere?) I've always been told to stop assuming. I guess I'm just used to attention. Before you say "that's how I am, deal with it," I want to say that I'm not making you change anything. I'll just use this as a lesson learned on my part. I knew what I wanted. You. And I would do anything to make you mine. I did. And now I have you. I never want to lose you. I need to stop this insanity, I guess. Who needs affection anyway? Babies, I suppose. You and I both know that I put you on a pedestal. In my head, you were the most amazing person on the face of the planet. You still are. I love you so much, and I always will.
I just wanted to go out and DO SOMETHING with you. HANG OUT with you. BE SOMEWHERE with you. Be affectionate with you.
I texted mom. (She's mad at me because of something over facebook, and hasn't responded at all. Immature bitch. Glad to know if I was sick, she'd want to know. Psh.) I told her that I think I'm ready to come home. No response. I mean, I can always come back here. When Ezra misses me again. But for now, Reddit wins. I need to go home anyway. I don't have financial aid, so I'm probably not going back to WCU this spring (Another semester to hang out at Ezra's house! (Unless he goes back...)). So I need to get a job. Really. I need to be able to pay off my loan. I want money for myself. I want to be able to get my license, get a cheap car, and afford payments and insurance. I'm twenty fucking years old, I need to start acting like it.
Stupid "I'm not good enough" moods. Go away.
Not sure why. I just do. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome. The Byrds are fantastic and hospitable, but I don't want to be a burden on them anymore.
Ezra. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings all the times that I did. And I'm sorry for wanting to go home. I think you need some much needed time off from me. I need to give you time to miss me. Just know, that nothing is your fault. I'm just fond of affection. Kisses, hugs, cuddling, holding hands. "I love you"s... I thought me being here, you would drop your games and Reddit for a while, at least until I left. I figured, "he can do all that stuff while I'm gone. I have a limited time here, he would want to spend every waking minute with me, right?" (But what is there to do in Mebane without a car? Without walking 5 miles to get somewhere? Without begging for a ride somewhere?) I've always been told to stop assuming. I guess I'm just used to attention. Before you say "that's how I am, deal with it," I want to say that I'm not making you change anything. I'll just use this as a lesson learned on my part. I knew what I wanted. You. And I would do anything to make you mine. I did. And now I have you. I never want to lose you. I need to stop this insanity, I guess. Who needs affection anyway? Babies, I suppose. You and I both know that I put you on a pedestal. In my head, you were the most amazing person on the face of the planet. You still are. I love you so much, and I always will.
I just wanted to go out and DO SOMETHING with you. HANG OUT with you. BE SOMEWHERE with you. Be affectionate with you.
I texted mom. (She's mad at me because of something over facebook, and hasn't responded at all. Immature bitch. Glad to know if I was sick, she'd want to know. Psh.) I told her that I think I'm ready to come home. No response. I mean, I can always come back here. When Ezra misses me again. But for now, Reddit wins. I need to go home anyway. I don't have financial aid, so I'm probably not going back to WCU this spring (Another semester to hang out at Ezra's house! (Unless he goes back...)). So I need to get a job. Really. I need to be able to pay off my loan. I want money for myself. I want to be able to get my license, get a cheap car, and afford payments and insurance. I'm twenty fucking years old, I need to start acting like it.
Stupid "I'm not good enough" moods. Go away.
04 October 2011
What the fuck, Elle...
2002 Tuesday 4 October 2011
Not joking ever again. Ever. Every time I do, I feel bad, because maybe I hit a nerve too hard. It's hard to tell if I did or not though. So from now on, I'll just not joke. If I hate getting misunderstood so much, why do I keep creating situations that cause it? I'm so stupid. Fuck... I tend to joke about the past. How it use to be. I'm not upset about it. I let it go. Whatever happened, happened. No one can change it. And it's not like that anymore, so it's not a big deal. I'm happy now. Happier than I've ever been. I want this feeling to last forever, and I'm not going to let anything that has happened or will happen bring it down.
Also, don't even know if my mother is alive or not. I keep expecting her to text and say "So, you ready to come home yet?" followed by a rant about 'choosing where I want to live, etc.' I texted her yesterday about the application fee for Western that I sent, but haven't gotten a reply. Not even a "K," which is the usual for her. I was thinking that with my brother and I out of the house (he's in SC with my dad) that she'd be out hitting the clubs, flirting with men. But I haven't heard from her in two days.
Haven't been writing in this because I'm at Ezra's and he's the only one besides Terry that reads it, so there's no point in writing in this if I can just hang out with him and tell him how I'm feeling. I don't know why I write in this at all, actually. I have nothing interesting to say. I only wrote to let Ezra and Terry, and whoever else I end up linking it to, can read about how I'm feeling. Which was depressed most of the time. But now I'm happy. And I doubt anybody wants to read about happiness. Let's face it: It's boring and annoying to read about how happy someone is, especially if the reader is sad. It's like "Let me rub my perfect life in your face." That's fucked up.
Yeah. Not feeling too great. Feeling guilty and worried. Not a good combo.
Goodnight...
-Elle
Not joking ever again. Ever. Every time I do, I feel bad, because maybe I hit a nerve too hard. It's hard to tell if I did or not though. So from now on, I'll just not joke. If I hate getting misunderstood so much, why do I keep creating situations that cause it? I'm so stupid. Fuck... I tend to joke about the past. How it use to be. I'm not upset about it. I let it go. Whatever happened, happened. No one can change it. And it's not like that anymore, so it's not a big deal. I'm happy now. Happier than I've ever been. I want this feeling to last forever, and I'm not going to let anything that has happened or will happen bring it down.
Also, don't even know if my mother is alive or not. I keep expecting her to text and say "So, you ready to come home yet?" followed by a rant about 'choosing where I want to live, etc.' I texted her yesterday about the application fee for Western that I sent, but haven't gotten a reply. Not even a "K," which is the usual for her. I was thinking that with my brother and I out of the house (he's in SC with my dad) that she'd be out hitting the clubs, flirting with men. But I haven't heard from her in two days.
Haven't been writing in this because I'm at Ezra's and he's the only one besides Terry that reads it, so there's no point in writing in this if I can just hang out with him and tell him how I'm feeling. I don't know why I write in this at all, actually. I have nothing interesting to say. I only wrote to let Ezra and Terry, and whoever else I end up linking it to, can read about how I'm feeling. Which was depressed most of the time. But now I'm happy. And I doubt anybody wants to read about happiness. Let's face it: It's boring and annoying to read about how happy someone is, especially if the reader is sad. It's like "Let me rub my perfect life in your face." That's fucked up.
Yeah. Not feeling too great. Feeling guilty and worried. Not a good combo.
Goodnight...
-Elle
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