Ezra.

I'm sorry.

You do make me happy. I know I can get bitchy and standoffish at times and I'm so sorry. I didn't know it caused such inner turmoil inside you.

Yeah, the jokes about my mom are getting kind of old. Mainly because it seems like she gets more "action" from you than I do. Yes, you have a low libido, but I don't hate you for it. Yeah, I've been feeling really neglected lately. You made that kind of better today. You gave me a real hug. You held me. You made me feel wanted. Needed. You've been cuddling me more lately. I've been gradually getting happier. Seriously, Ezra. Your touch fuels me. You just don't understand. The less you touch me, the worse I feel. I just want to hold your hand... Please don't pull away. I miss your kisses. Your tongue on my skin. Your warm embrace. (Remember, I'm just as bad as you are about initiating.) I need you, Ezra. Emotionally and physically. You think you make me mad every time you say something. You don't, unless it's a joke about doing my mom. I'm sorry. It makes me jealous.

I was beginning to think you didn't love me anymore. I've been wondering for months why am I not sexy anymore, why don't you want to touch me anymore. What did I do to make you not want me. I think about it everyday. If you've seen me on the verge of tears lately, that's why. Because I love you, and I feel like I'm losing you. I know work has you stressed out, and I know you don't get enough sleep. And trust me, I know you don't want to do anything when you get home but relax. I'm sorry I've given you nothing but a hard time. Everything I've promised I would do for you... Be there for you whenever you needed me, help you through your problems, make you happy. I've failed you, Ezra. I know I used to do everything for you. Make you meals, do our laundry, etc. Lately I've been feeling like "well why should I do anything for you if you don't do anything for me?" I know that's mean. I'm sorry. I shouldn't think that way. You do as much as mentally possible for me. I know you mean well. Like your jokes, I know you mean to be funny. I know you just want to make me laugh. I'm sorry I've let you down...

I look forward to when you come home from work. All day when you're not home I wish you were, so I can just cuddle next to you and you can hold me, and we can give each other cute little kisses. But then you get home and all you care about is your computer or your phone. Excuse me for feeling left out. Excuse me for needing your touch...

About the chores thing. It's nothing against you. But sometimes I'm just too lazy to want to do any chores. I don't want to wash clothes not because I dislike doing things for you, but because I dislike doing chores period. My mom made me do them all the time when I was growing up, it's almost like I never left. So I apologize when I sigh about cleaning clothes. I just don't feel in the mood to do them sometimes, sometimes I do. And for me, having someone help you do them makes it easier and goes by faster. I don't like doing chores alone... That's why I ask you "you wanna come in the kitchen and help?" for when I make you food, or "could you hold this open while I put the rest in?" with laundry, or "could you please pick up those few pieces of trash/recyclables/dishes and put them where they need to go?" when it comes to cleaning the room. I try to incorporate you into it without being demanding. That's not what I want to do. I don't want to boss you around. I don't want to make you feel like that's all I am, some bitchy cunt that makes you do shit you don't wanna do.

I'm sorry I've been so rude to you. For going back on my promises. For making you feel so bad.

I just want to feel wanted... Yes, I always say "I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do" but... Please, baby. Hold me... Hold me tight and never let me go. (Don't try to break my spine though.)

Trust me, I will get less and less sad or angry if you just give me hugs and kisses sometimes. You don't have to say a word. Just look in my eyes, and let me know you're here for me and want to be with me.

One day I hope that I can help you feel comfortable telling me things... I really like to hear what you have to say. I love your voice. I love how it sounds, I love the deep rumble it makes when I put my ear on your chest. I've waited my whole life to be with you. You're my everything. Always have been, always will be. Everything about you is amazing.

I love you.

xoxo

Tattoo.

0211 Tuesday 3 April 2012

I'm ready for another one. Ready mentally. Not financially.
I want this:

I made it myself a while back, for my custom pony "Chordelle Cube" (chord-music, elle-nickname, cube-rubik's) and I love it. It combines my two loves and I'm very proud of it.

Not sure yet where to get it. Thought of a few places (like my shoulder blade, rib, right side of lower back/hip area, front of shoulder, inside arm below elbow, back of leg above knee, foot, outside/back of calf (all of these are on the right side because I already have a tattoo on inside left wrist/arm)), but I'm having trouble deciding. Narrowed it down to calf, shoulder (front/back), and hip. Thinking more calf than anything else.

Good news. The $600 payment on the $3000 loan I have in June? Ezra's Mimi and Jim are going to help me with it. It's such a relief. I've been trying to find a job, applied everywhere close (no car), and yet no one called. On top of that my phone is cut off because mom didn't pay the bill (she now has a phone on her boyfriend's plan).

Ezra's still working at Radioshack. Doing very well. He got a "promotion" to a keyholder. They hired 2 new guys a few weeks ago and his hours sucked dick, but they've gotten better now. He's close to having enough for a used car through SECU. I'm so proud of him!

I should probably go to bed. I'm getting up at 9 to help Jim do some yardwork at UBC.

Night,

-Elle