Zilpha

There's a show on Investigation Discovery that mentioned this name. But the narrator pronounced it Zilphia and her family pronounced it Zelphia. It reminded me of how Ezra wants to name his future daughter Xylia, after his grandmother Sylvia. I like the 'ph' sound for the 'v.' Maybe there's a happy medium. Xylphia? Looks like a medication. Zylphia? Meh... Xelphia? I prefer that one, if I had to choose. And does it go with the middle name I chose? (Roselyn (Rose=my oma, Lynn=Deborah and Penny))

Xelphia Roselyn Byrd
Hmmm... the 'x' looks mighty harsh. :/

Zelphia Roselyn Byrd
I like it. Looks the most like Sylvia, and is appealing to the eyes.

I wish I could get him to agree on Phineas. Phineas Gray Byrd. Nope. Flint. Flint Gray Byrd. While, yes, I like it, it isn't any part mine... We HAVE to have Gray. And Ezra said no to 4 names (2 middle names). But HE chose Flint. I can't contribute... That's the one reason I'd want a girl, that name is kick ass. I suppose I'll just have to come up with one both of us like, that match his criterion of being uncommon. Good thing I have a while! -Elle

Maybe I'm weird,

But I like when he begs. ;P

Vicious Cycle

You don't kiss me because I'm crazy.I'm crazy because you don't kiss me.

At least I was being an awesome girlfriend today. Made you food, did your laundry, rubbed your back, and sat in your lap (while you were busy fixing your computer) and gave you hundreds of kisses. What else do I need to do? I'm stumped and confused. I tried everything I could to make you want to kiss me back. Is it me? Am I disgusting again? Is this another test? I guess all I need to do is just chill the fuck out and keep doing what I'm doing.

Ezra, I can say one thing, you certainly make me work hard for your amazing kisses. :)

:)

:)

Who da thunk it?

I was causing what was making me sad this whole time.

I just wanted to be irresistible to him again...

Fig Newtons

Tonight I did something for Ezra that I haven't done in a long time. A back massage. Not one of those shitty, I'm just rubbing your back, massages. I really put my heart into it. I even threw in a leg and foot, and arm and hand massage. Even rubbed his ears and played with his hair.

I don't expect reciprocation. I know he's not going to unless I say something. And even then, I get an exasperated sigh.

Instead, he browses Reddit for half an hour. Or goes on his computer for email, Reddit, YouTube, AVGN, the Pirate Bay, or something along those lines.

When I first got here, he was so loving. Kisses, hugs, cuddling, and intimacy. I feel like he's just used to my presence now, and stopped trying. He knows that I love him always and will never leave his side, and stopped trying.

I'll always want him. There will always be that thrill of the chase. Every time I look at him, my heart skips a beat.

I thought doing stuff for him again (I was in a rut when I didn't want to do anything), like making him food, cleaning his room, and doing his laundry, would bring him back to wanting me.

But no, in the end, technology wins. Always. Every time.

Who am I kidding, he doesn't read these anymore.

Ezra, if you are reading, no, and don't even say it. No, you don't disappoint me. No, you do not make me sad. No. I love you. Don't ever forget that. I just miss your caresses, is all. They make me feel like you still want me around.

First post from Droid.

About to go with Mimi to church dinner, then choir practice.

Almost level 85, just got to Deepholm. Ezra and I have been grinding Netherwing reputation together. Of course, he became exalted before I did. I should be tomorrow. Ezra requested that I wait for him to get home to work on Sunreaver.

Ezra and I have been better these past few days. Yeah, I don't know why, but I need intimacy to function lol. And playing WoW together is fun, too. Hopefully I will stay in this good mood for a while.

Ezra.

I'm sorry.

You do make me happy. I know I can get bitchy and standoffish at times and I'm so sorry. I didn't know it caused such inner turmoil inside you.

Yeah, the jokes about my mom are getting kind of old. Mainly because it seems like she gets more "action" from you than I do. Yes, you have a low libido, but I don't hate you for it. Yeah, I've been feeling really neglected lately. You made that kind of better today. You gave me a real hug. You held me. You made me feel wanted. Needed. You've been cuddling me more lately. I've been gradually getting happier. Seriously, Ezra. Your touch fuels me. You just don't understand. The less you touch me, the worse I feel. I just want to hold your hand... Please don't pull away. I miss your kisses. Your tongue on my skin. Your warm embrace. (Remember, I'm just as bad as you are about initiating.) I need you, Ezra. Emotionally and physically. You think you make me mad every time you say something. You don't, unless it's a joke about doing my mom. I'm sorry. It makes me jealous.

I was beginning to think you didn't love me anymore. I've been wondering for months why am I not sexy anymore, why don't you want to touch me anymore. What did I do to make you not want me. I think about it everyday. If you've seen me on the verge of tears lately, that's why. Because I love you, and I feel like I'm losing you. I know work has you stressed out, and I know you don't get enough sleep. And trust me, I know you don't want to do anything when you get home but relax. I'm sorry I've given you nothing but a hard time. Everything I've promised I would do for you... Be there for you whenever you needed me, help you through your problems, make you happy. I've failed you, Ezra. I know I used to do everything for you. Make you meals, do our laundry, etc. Lately I've been feeling like "well why should I do anything for you if you don't do anything for me?" I know that's mean. I'm sorry. I shouldn't think that way. You do as much as mentally possible for me. I know you mean well. Like your jokes, I know you mean to be funny. I know you just want to make me laugh. I'm sorry I've let you down...

I look forward to when you come home from work. All day when you're not home I wish you were, so I can just cuddle next to you and you can hold me, and we can give each other cute little kisses. But then you get home and all you care about is your computer or your phone. Excuse me for feeling left out. Excuse me for needing your touch...

About the chores thing. It's nothing against you. But sometimes I'm just too lazy to want to do any chores. I don't want to wash clothes not because I dislike doing things for you, but because I dislike doing chores period. My mom made me do them all the time when I was growing up, it's almost like I never left. So I apologize when I sigh about cleaning clothes. I just don't feel in the mood to do them sometimes, sometimes I do. And for me, having someone help you do them makes it easier and goes by faster. I don't like doing chores alone... That's why I ask you "you wanna come in the kitchen and help?" for when I make you food, or "could you hold this open while I put the rest in?" with laundry, or "could you please pick up those few pieces of trash/recyclables/dishes and put them where they need to go?" when it comes to cleaning the room. I try to incorporate you into it without being demanding. That's not what I want to do. I don't want to boss you around. I don't want to make you feel like that's all I am, some bitchy cunt that makes you do shit you don't wanna do.

I'm sorry I've been so rude to you. For going back on my promises. For making you feel so bad.

I just want to feel wanted... Yes, I always say "I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do" but... Please, baby. Hold me... Hold me tight and never let me go. (Don't try to break my spine though.)

Trust me, I will get less and less sad or angry if you just give me hugs and kisses sometimes. You don't have to say a word. Just look in my eyes, and let me know you're here for me and want to be with me.

One day I hope that I can help you feel comfortable telling me things... I really like to hear what you have to say. I love your voice. I love how it sounds, I love the deep rumble it makes when I put my ear on your chest. I've waited my whole life to be with you. You're my everything. Always have been, always will be. Everything about you is amazing.

I love you.

xoxo

Tattoo.

0211 Tuesday 3 April 2012

I'm ready for another one. Ready mentally. Not financially.
I want this:

I made it myself a while back, for my custom pony "Chordelle Cube" (chord-music, elle-nickname, cube-rubik's) and I love it. It combines my two loves and I'm very proud of it.

Not sure yet where to get it. Thought of a few places (like my shoulder blade, rib, right side of lower back/hip area, front of shoulder, inside arm below elbow, back of leg above knee, foot, outside/back of calf (all of these are on the right side because I already have a tattoo on inside left wrist/arm)), but I'm having trouble deciding. Narrowed it down to calf, shoulder (front/back), and hip. Thinking more calf than anything else.

Good news. The $600 payment on the $3000 loan I have in June? Ezra's Mimi and Jim are going to help me with it. It's such a relief. I've been trying to find a job, applied everywhere close (no car), and yet no one called. On top of that my phone is cut off because mom didn't pay the bill (she now has a phone on her boyfriend's plan).

Ezra's still working at Radioshack. Doing very well. He got a "promotion" to a keyholder. They hired 2 new guys a few weeks ago and his hours sucked dick, but they've gotten better now. He's close to having enough for a used car through SECU. I'm so proud of him!

I should probably go to bed. I'm getting up at 9 to help Jim do some yardwork at UBC.

Night,

-Elle

Updatessssss.

100 Tuesday 6 March 2012

Hah just thought of something. I wonder if there is an /r/dates. Like the food, not the romantic encounter. And their voting systems up-dates and down-dates. Hah, I make myself giggle.

Been going to church with Mimi on Wednesdays and Sundays. Joined choir and handbell. So far, it's been fun. The people at University Baptist Church are so friendly!!! They've made me feel so welcome. And they don't preach about stupid controversial shit like gay marriage and sinners and atheists. They preach about being a good person on the inside and caring about one another. THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

My top-right wisdom tooth that's already all the way in has been hurting for a while. Jaw muscle/tendon thing too. Deborah says it's the weather.

Had a conversation with Ezra the other day about how I want to live somewhere that's not here. I think he took it the wrong way. I only meant that I wish I could fast forward time so we could have enough money for an apartment together. He used to say I'll get bored with him and bored of living here. While I am not and will never be bored with HIM, I do admit I am bored living here ONLY because I want to share a place of our own with him. It's nothing against his family but there are 6 people, 2 dogs, and 2 cats living here. Plus, I don't like getting woken up from people talking too loud in the other room. I don't like cleaning other peoples' messes besides Ezra's and my own. I don't like my boyfriend's sister's boyfriend farting everywhere, or talking so loud, or annoying Deborah all the time. I don't want to have to plan a shower around everyone else in the house. Most of all, I want more space. I want my own kitchen, my own couch, my own bathrooms (OUR OWN TOILET), a bedroom with space for 2 dressers and a bigger closet that's not full of Graylyn's stuff (I might need to buy hangers because I left all of mine at home but anyway). My own appliances. An actual bed, not a pull-out couch. A clean place that we can make dirty if we want, but it would be OUR mess and it would be so much easier to clean. No, I do not want to go back home to live with my mom. That defeats the purpose of moving here. I came here because I wanted to be with Ezra. Not deal with back and forth chauffeurs. I love it here. I love Mebane. I love being with Ezra constantly. I love the freedom. I don't love the job market (or the economy). I don't love this cramped house.

Ezra. I just want to say that nothing's wrong. Don't fret, my love. I'm neither mad at anything or sad about anything. I love you. I love being with you. You've made me happier than I've ever been and I don't want anything else but to be with you forever and have an awesome life. I just think that it'll be about 20% cooler when we have our own place. ;)

Been looking for a job. Wanted to work at GameStop but not hiring/had to accept a transfer for the time being. Waiting 2 weeks for that. I sent in online applications at Bojangles, McDonald's, and Wendy's. I really don't want to work in fast food, but it's money I suppose. For now. Until I get some job I'd rather have.

Speaking of work and stuff. Ezra asked me what I want to do with my life. I thought I knew the answer to that question. Guess not. At first I wanted to be a forensic scientist. I was obsessed with CSI. That changed to Psychology, because I loved wondering how people's brains worked and why people do and think what they do (and think). Then that turned to computer science because computers are freaking cool. But now... I just think I'm frustrated with not having a job or money. I get so stressed about feeling like I'm behind on my life. I need a permit/license, I need a job, I want to go back to school eventually, I want money of my own, an apartment/trailer, a car, my brain wants babies, but I'm not having one until after I'm married. For all that stuff I need money. Once I get back on track, I'm sure that my dreams of being an IT will resurface.

I need to clean this room again. Shit's all over the floor. I know I'm a woman and should LOOOOOOOVE to clean but sometimes I'm just not in the mood to. I know I ask Ezra to "just help around the house" every now and then, and although it would be nice, I don't expect it from him. It's just nice to share chores and have some company so I won't have to do it by myself and It'll be done quicker.

Ooooooohhhhhhhh, and I haven't had sex in a week. Mostly because Ezra's been working, playing Red Dead Redemption, and sleeping. I'm not the kind of person that asks for sex. It makes it awkward for me. It doesn't make me in the mood when I have to ask. And it's not like I haven't been throwing out signs. Walking around naked, grabbing my boobs for no reason. Ezra said he doesn't pick up on signals or thoughts. If I want it, just ask for it, and I do know that. Don't get me wrong, if I was capable of doing so I would all the time. I might be able to sometimes, but that's because I worked up a lot of courage or just got tired of waiting lol. He just doesn't understand. He has problems outwardly showing emotions. Well, I have problems outwardly asking/begging for sex. I thought maybe I would get some this morning but he just got a happy ending and got up. Maybe tomorrow, who knows haha. xD I don't need it to be happy, but it is nice and feels good and releases nice, feel-goody brain chemicals and reduces my stress/frustrations. AND I'm probably going to menstrate soon, so I would like to strike while the iron is hot. Or it'll be 2 weeks. Might die. ;)
EDIT: Shark week right now. Oh well.

IIIII NEEEEEEEED TOOOOO WOOOORK OOUUUUTTTTTTTTTTT!!!! Seriously! It needs to be warm enough to go jogging/biking. I need to be more motivated to do sit-ups and other worky-outy stuff. IIIII'M GETTINNNNNNNNNNNG SOOOOO FAAAAAAAAAAT AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHGHGHHBBBLLLBLBLBPFFFCHOOOKKKKAAAAAAAA. I mean actually, last time I weighed myself I was like 120-something, which is absolutely average for my age and height. But on my bone structure? It looks like I'm overweight. Love handles, and cottage-cheese thighs. AND MY BOOOOBS ARE SOOO HUUUUGE!!! Yeah I'm probably over-exaggerating. Except for my boobs. But still. I need to lose some serious poundage. I want to be able to fit in my clothes and feel comfortable about my body again.

Anywhooo. I think that's it. I have to urinate now.
Bye!
-Elle

My Little Pony and Homestuck

My new pony: Chordelle Cube.

My Homestuck troll, #3LL3kTRiiK.

Quirk= #48cd3FGhiijKLmN0pQRsTuVwxYz.

My Homestuck pony

BIRTHDAAAAAAAAAY

1729 Wednesday 18 January 2012

My 21st birthday was on the 15th, but Ezra had to work. So we celebrated it, and our half-year anniversary on the 16th. We went to Southpoint mall to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D, I got a new purse and we got books, and we ate at Rockfish. I quite enjoyed myself. And I'm glad he and I got to spend time together. Unlike what he "thinks," it's not the spending-money-on-me part that made happy. It's the fact that we got to go out on a date. That we had fun, and laughed about stuff. A LOT of stuff. That's what made it the best day ever. Hearing him laugh.

Having not fully seen Beauty and the Beast all the way through, I actually wanted to see it (it was either that or Sherlock Holmes 2). Although a lot of kids showed up, and I thought it was going to be loud and annoying, and thought I wasn't going to be able to enjoy it, they were actually quiet. Most, anyway. Two babies ended up crying because of the loud noises, I assume, but they ended up stopping after a few minutes. Anyway, when the movie started, I thought it was just going to look like a pop-up book the whole time. With just a few parts of the background layered over the others. After a while, though, it ended up looking really well done. I especially liked the parts when they sing "Be Our Guest" and "Beauty and the Beast." The table scene when the camera pans down the length of it, and Lumiere is at the end was cool. And the ballroom dancing scene where Belle in her signature yellow dress and the Beast were dancing looked fantastic. But my favorite part was when Ms. Pots was singing and Ezra held my hand. It was sweet. :3

After we left the cinema, we started walking around to the other stores. I had my mind set on a purse. I (and I was told this numerous times) have enough shoes. I looked in places that I thought would have purses, but to no avail. The funny part was walking through Abercrombie & Fitch, Ezra pulled his shirt over his nose like a gas mask. And I agree, that place was so concentrated with cologne I don't know how much more I could stand. Going to the specialty stores wasn't fruitful, so I figured I'd try Macy's, JC Penny, Nordstrom, and Sears. The last store we went to was Belk. And then I found it. The most amazing purse I've ever seen. Bueno "Washed Jacqueline." It was marked $70, but the sale said 40% off. To make things even better, the cashier used a coupon and it ended up totaling $35. I was so excited. Ezra said "I better see you take that thing EVERYWHERE. Seriously, I don't want to see you use another purse ever again." I laughed and delightfully agreed.

We then walked to Barnes & Noble. I got the last book that I wanted (for now) for my Leatherbound Classics collection, Arabian Nights, and Ezra got Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z by Max Brooks.

Rockfish. Oh my word, that was delicious. If I was rich, I would eat there everyday. We shared an appetizer called the "Tower." It was Layered sushi in a cylindrical shape and you carved into it with these flaky chip-like-things. Wasn't what we were expecting, but it was tasty. I ordered Crab-Stuffed Lobster with grilled asparagus and homemade mashed potatoes, and he ordered something called Ultimate Rockfish something-or-other. It had fried catfish and fried oysters and fries and stuff. Being 21 for one whole day, I wanted to get one drink. Just one. I asked what the waiter recommended and he asked if I would like for him to just make me something. He brought back a Dragon Fruit Margarita. It was pretty good, for a "first legal drink." I thought it was funny that my family thought I was going to get wasted/hammered/shitfaced. That shows them. I know how to be responsible. So, there.

After that, we walked to Crate & Barrel and Urban Outfitters to wait on Deborah to pick us up. All in all, it was a really good day. Like I said, it wasn't because of spending money. I'm not a golddigger. I may have blown the money I made while working at Food Lion. But I don't blow other peoples' money. I don't think "buy me that" after everything I walk past. I had a good time, because I got to spend time with the man I love, got to walk around and enjoy the day. I don't know why, but I like when we have moments like we did at Western. Carefree joking and laughing. It makes me smile and want to give him a big fat hug. <3

Thank you for the most amazing day thus far, Ezra. I love you so much, darling. As always, I'm faithfully yours until the end of time. Don't ever forget that. :)

Ciao all!
-Gabrielle Nicole