11 May 2012

Fig Newtons

Tonight I did something for Ezra that I haven't done in a long time. A back massage. Not one of those shitty, I'm just rubbing your back, massages. I really put my heart into it. I even threw in a leg and foot, and arm and hand massage. Even rubbed his ears and played with his hair.

I don't expect reciprocation. I know he's not going to unless I say something. And even then, I get an exasperated sigh.

Instead, he browses Reddit for half an hour. Or goes on his computer for email, Reddit, YouTube, AVGN, the Pirate Bay, or something along those lines.

When I first got here, he was so loving. Kisses, hugs, cuddling, and intimacy. I feel like he's just used to my presence now, and stopped trying. He knows that I love him always and will never leave his side, and stopped trying.

I'll always want him. There will always be that thrill of the chase. Every time I look at him, my heart skips a beat.

I thought doing stuff for him again (I was in a rut when I didn't want to do anything), like making him food, cleaning his room, and doing his laundry, would bring him back to wanting me.

But no, in the end, technology wins. Always. Every time.

Who am I kidding, he doesn't read these anymore.

Ezra, if you are reading, no, and don't even say it. No, you don't disappoint me. No, you do not make me sad. No. I love you. Don't ever forget that. I just miss your caresses, is all. They make me feel like you still want me around.

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