1021 Monday 28 March 2011
Space from Shawn is harder than expected. Can't stop thinking about it. Why did I do this again? I know no one else wants me, and I know he does. So, why did I do this? Oh yeah, because Ezra and Nick thought it would be best. They said I would be happier without him, and that I should be more confident. But why? He's the only man I've ever truly loved, and vice versa. I don't know what to do... Wait until someone confesses their undying love for me, or get back with Shawn? Only time will tell I guess. I just don't want to get hurt again...
Been talking to Benjes, Terry's friend recently. He understands what I'm going through... He seems like a nice guy, but he says that girls don't like him. I have someone (third-party) to talk to about my problems now, without being judged.
Ty. Ty is the epitome of awesomesauce. 'Nuff said.
Haven't been talking to Ezra much, I don't know what to say to him anymore... I know he's at home and wants to hang with Terry. I don't want to interrupt that. Haven't been talking to Terry much either. She seems happier now that Ezra is home. That's good... Now, everytime I talk to either of them I feel like "Debbie-downer." Well, I'm so sorry for being lonely, and feeling like I have no one left... I didn't mean to rain on your parade... I guess I just won't say anything to either until they say something first. I don't want to waste their time, now that they're together (in person) again... I cry almost everyday, not necessarily about Shawn, but... I never wanted to feel like this again. Depressed... I know I should be happy that I am free from my cage, but these things take time... I'm sorry I can't move on so quickly. He was my life... My true love.
Things aren't going well... I thought things would go differently. That's just how my life goes I guess, always expecting the best and getting the worst.
I just want to feel wanted again... I want someone to say, "I love you, Elle. Come with me, I'll keep you safe. I'll protect you from harm. Forever."
I just want to be held... And be told that everything will be okay... I want to be wrapped up safely in your arms.
I just want you to love me. I don't want to hurt anymore.
28 March 2011
25 March 2011
Space.
2235 Friday 25 March 2011
I told Shawn that we needed space apart from each other. I finally took Ezra's advice.
I told Shawn that we needed space apart from each other. I finally took Ezra's advice.
I told him that he brings up my past, and I can't change it. I told him that I feel like shit for going to Western and having friends. I told him no matter how many times I tell him the truth, he never believes me. He blames me for everything (not going to a university, etc.)
I told him we need space apart.
And he sped off, after calling himself a piece of shit.
And he was actually trying to make it all my fault, like he always does.
Ezra was right. He IS a psychic vampire.
19 March 2011
I thought my life couldn't get any worse...
Ezra is leaving school.
He is going to work at Geek Squad...
It took a while, but I was okay with it.
Until now...
I don't want to lose my best friend. The best moments of my life were with him...
I don't want to never see him again...
I want to die... Now more than ever...
I told him how I felt, so I wouldn't regret not ever telling him:
"I know how you like to make jokes of everything, but please listen to me... You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. Knowing I have to live the rest of my life without ever seeing you again kills me. Kills me. No, I don't love you. But you are my bro. You always will be. I don't want to live without you."
But whatever he decides to do, I'll be happy for him. And I can only hope that we'll keep in touch.
He is going to work at Geek Squad...
It took a while, but I was okay with it.
Until now...
So I'll never see you again?
I don't want to lose my best friend. The best moments of my life were with him...
I don't want to never see him again...
I want to die... Now more than ever...
I told him how I felt, so I wouldn't regret not ever telling him:
"I know how you like to make jokes of everything, but please listen to me... You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. Knowing I have to live the rest of my life without ever seeing you again kills me. Kills me. No, I don't love you. But you are my bro. You always will be. I don't want to live without you."
But whatever he decides to do, I'll be happy for him. And I can only hope that we'll keep in touch.
Ezra is the most helpful mofo I've ever met. Seriously. But I still don't know what to do...
Hey Ezra.
Yes?
I dunno. Just wanted to say hey.
I just got home.
I think I was having Internet withdrawals.
It happens.
I never knew I would get that bad. Where all I want to be is on the Internet.
I was out driving with Shawn, and all I wanted to do was go home and get on my computer.
Damn.
Hey, Ezra?
Yes?
I just wanted to apologize again for all those times I've hurt you, but I thank you for taking me back. You didn't deserve to be hurt, and I didn't deserve to be taken back. But you did. Thank you for being my best friend, and being there for me.
I'm sorry... Thank you for forgiving me.
Also, I don't know if you know this, but you saved my life. I was so sad before I met you. I never had any good friends, I never thought anybody cared about me. (Besides Shawn.) I just wanted to give up. But when I met you everything changed. I had a reason to live again.
Just thought I'd let you know. You're my bro and I don't want to lose you ever again.
When I say "Shawn" what is the first thing that pops into your head?
Hmm..
I don't know.
I said first.
The first thing I saw was his face.
And then?
Nothing.
No flashbacks, no memories.
Just his face.
That's why I said "I don't know."
It's your brain.
What did you think?
What did you feel?
I thought of the things we've done over the past 5 years.
The good and the bad.
I don't know how I felt.
It felt like a trailer for a movie.
Okay, so this is thinking over time.
What's your knee jerk reaction to the name Shawn.
Well, yesterday when I heard it in the trailer for Source Code, I cringed a little.
But I thought it was because I don't really hear his name much in movies and wasn't used to it.
I mean I love him.
Stop.
He told me today that he wanted to get married before 12/21/2012, and my brain was like "NO."
If you have to make up excuses, then you know it's not true.
I'm not ready to get married. I don't know if that's just because of him or that I'm just not ready to settle down yet.
They're the same thing.
Whether it me marrying Shawn or getting married in general, is what I mean.
If you are not ready to settle down, then it is because the person you are with is not the person you want to settle down with. If it's him, then it's him.
The two things are not separate items.
So either way, it's him.
Essentially yes.
You have to think of it like a grocery store.
I thought he was "the one." I've thought that for years.
Would you want to buy marriage without buying the want to settle down?
No, I suppose not.
But I just don't think it's time yet. I'm not ready.
In general, to anyone.
Not ready for what?
Marriage, settling down.
Procreating.
"Cold feet."
Second thoughts?
Marriage is immediate procreation?
No.
Just because you're married you can't use contraceptives?
But it's all happening too fast.
That's not what I meant.
I meant over time.
What you're assuming is that the distance between steps is equal.
Or rather, constant.
I'm saying I don't want to be married.
Not right now.
X=1 year Y=6 years Z=15 years.
I don't know if ever.
Why?
I don't know if I want to be with him for the rest of my life.
Marriage changes nothing but your last name and your marriage status.
There it is.
I mean, I love being with him, and the thought of it was amazing, but...
Seems like a black hole.
So, when I say the name shawn, what comes to mind?
The reason I ask is because I feel that you're not in love with him what so ever.
I feel that too.
It's extremely tough for the mind to differentiate between love and prideful fear.
"I love him, but I'm not in love with him"?
I like that.
(The thought of being out of love is so painful to one's pride, the brain almost forces it.)
"Prideful fear."
Yes.
That's what I felt towards my last girlfriend.
And once it becomes that, it's EXTREMELY hard to get rid of
Truthfully, I still feel it.
And it's been nearly 4 years.
I don't want to leave him. I can't.
But, she was my first love.
My heart won't let me.
You need to stop thinking of your heart as a physical representation of your emotions.
Your heart doesn't think.
My brain won't let me.
Wrong again.
Your drugs won't let you.
What-ever-controls-emotions won't let me.
What you "feel" feels good, right?
I don't really know...
Part of it does, part doesn't
This is nothing but your addiction to Oxytocin.
The drug that promotes monogomy.
?
Created by your brain during moments of "attachment"
Oh.
Okay, then yeah.
Same reason it's hard to get rid of personal items.
Sentimental value.
Because when you see that item, your brain pumps out Oxytocin like nobodies business.
Yeah
So that's all your relationship is right now.
A series of withdrawal syndromes.
Otherwise you'd also have dopamine, saratonin, all kinds of other drugs.
And you wouldn't have these feelings.
Your brain would suppress them so much so that the drugs would simply become truth.
True.
Leave him Elle.
:(
Do it.
I can't... My addiction to Oxytocin won't let me... I see into his eyes or feel his skin and never want to live without him...
Or that's what it wants me to think.
I don't want to feel forever alone...
But then...
I've been in this relationship so long that I wouldn't know what to do.
With him I feel stable.
Like I have a set future.
That I won't have to worry.
You have 70+ years left.
If I leave him I don't think I could ever have him back, if I wanted to.
Over 25,000 days.
Life's too short.
25,000 days?
Yeah. That feels really short.
600,000 hours?
Ticking away...
36 million minutes?
I now have the feeling like I'm running out of time...
Seeing both scenarios I feel like I would be happy with and without him...
I thought he was the one I was supposed to be with for life. And if I lose that I won't ever get it back. I guess it's a little-girls psychology.
What I grew up with.
What I'm used to.
what I was told
How I was raised.
I know I should... Something won't let me...
I wish my brain would let me agree with you and just do it.
"But then..." what?
Thanks... for helping me understand my retarded emotions.
Yes?
I dunno. Just wanted to say hey.
I just got home.
I think I was having Internet withdrawals.
It happens.
I never knew I would get that bad. Where all I want to be is on the Internet.
I was out driving with Shawn, and all I wanted to do was go home and get on my computer.
Damn.
Hey, Ezra?
Yes?
I just wanted to apologize again for all those times I've hurt you, but I thank you for taking me back. You didn't deserve to be hurt, and I didn't deserve to be taken back. But you did. Thank you for being my best friend, and being there for me.
I'm sorry... Thank you for forgiving me.
Also, I don't know if you know this, but you saved my life. I was so sad before I met you. I never had any good friends, I never thought anybody cared about me. (Besides Shawn.) I just wanted to give up. But when I met you everything changed. I had a reason to live again.
Just thought I'd let you know. You're my bro and I don't want to lose you ever again.
When I say "Shawn" what is the first thing that pops into your head?
Hmm..
I don't know.
I said first.
The first thing I saw was his face.
And then?
Nothing.
No flashbacks, no memories.
Just his face.
That's why I said "I don't know."
It's your brain.
What did you think?
What did you feel?
I thought of the things we've done over the past 5 years.
The good and the bad.
I don't know how I felt.
It felt like a trailer for a movie.
Okay, so this is thinking over time.
What's your knee jerk reaction to the name Shawn.
Well, yesterday when I heard it in the trailer for Source Code, I cringed a little.
But I thought it was because I don't really hear his name much in movies and wasn't used to it.
I mean I love him.
Stop.
He told me today that he wanted to get married before 12/21/2012, and my brain was like "NO."
If you have to make up excuses, then you know it's not true.
I'm not ready to get married. I don't know if that's just because of him or that I'm just not ready to settle down yet.
They're the same thing.
Whether it me marrying Shawn or getting married in general, is what I mean.
If you are not ready to settle down, then it is because the person you are with is not the person you want to settle down with. If it's him, then it's him.
The two things are not separate items.
So either way, it's him.
Essentially yes.
You have to think of it like a grocery store.
I thought he was "the one." I've thought that for years.
Would you want to buy marriage without buying the want to settle down?
No, I suppose not.
But I just don't think it's time yet. I'm not ready.
In general, to anyone.
Not ready for what?
Marriage, settling down.
Procreating.
"Cold feet."
Second thoughts?
Marriage is immediate procreation?
No.
Just because you're married you can't use contraceptives?
But it's all happening too fast.
That's not what I meant.
I meant over time.
What you're assuming is that the distance between steps is equal.
Or rather, constant.
I'm saying I don't want to be married.
Not right now.
X=1 year Y=6 years Z=15 years.
I don't know if ever.
Why?
I don't know if I want to be with him for the rest of my life.
Marriage changes nothing but your last name and your marriage status.
There it is.
I mean, I love being with him, and the thought of it was amazing, but...
Seems like a black hole.
So, when I say the name shawn, what comes to mind?
The reason I ask is because I feel that you're not in love with him what so ever.
I feel that too.
It's extremely tough for the mind to differentiate between love and prideful fear.
"I love him, but I'm not in love with him"?
I like that.
(The thought of being out of love is so painful to one's pride, the brain almost forces it.)
"Prideful fear."
Yes.
That's what I felt towards my last girlfriend.
And once it becomes that, it's EXTREMELY hard to get rid of
Truthfully, I still feel it.
And it's been nearly 4 years.
I don't want to leave him. I can't.
But, she was my first love.
My heart won't let me.
You need to stop thinking of your heart as a physical representation of your emotions.
Your heart doesn't think.
My brain won't let me.
Wrong again.
Your drugs won't let you.
What-ever-controls-emotions won't let me.
What you "feel" feels good, right?
I don't really know...
Part of it does, part doesn't
This is nothing but your addiction to Oxytocin.
The drug that promotes monogomy.
?
Created by your brain during moments of "attachment"
Oh.
Okay, then yeah.
Same reason it's hard to get rid of personal items.
Sentimental value.
Because when you see that item, your brain pumps out Oxytocin like nobodies business.
Yeah
So that's all your relationship is right now.
A series of withdrawal syndromes.
Otherwise you'd also have dopamine, saratonin, all kinds of other drugs.
And you wouldn't have these feelings.
Your brain would suppress them so much so that the drugs would simply become truth.
True.
Leave him Elle.
:(
Do it.
I can't... My addiction to Oxytocin won't let me... I see into his eyes or feel his skin and never want to live without him...
Or that's what it wants me to think.
I don't want to feel forever alone...
But then...
I've been in this relationship so long that I wouldn't know what to do.
With him I feel stable.
Like I have a set future.
That I won't have to worry.
You have 70+ years left.
If I leave him I don't think I could ever have him back, if I wanted to.
Over 25,000 days.
Life's too short.
25,000 days?
Yeah. That feels really short.
600,000 hours?
Ticking away...
36 million minutes?
I now have the feeling like I'm running out of time...
Seeing both scenarios I feel like I would be happy with and without him...
I thought he was the one I was supposed to be with for life. And if I lose that I won't ever get it back. I guess it's a little-girls psychology.
What I grew up with.
What I'm used to.
what I was told
How I was raised.
I know I should... Something won't let me...
I wish my brain would let me agree with you and just do it.
"But then..." what?
Thanks... for helping me understand my retarded emotions.
18 March 2011
Please Kill Me
I accidentally pissed of one of my closest friends.
I didn't mean to hurt her.
And now I'm hurting.
I've been crying on and off ever since the conversation last night.
I can't stop crying.
I never tried to hurt her.
I've been depressed all this week
But nothing compared to what I felt last night.
I am so sorry.
I want to die.
I want to erase all the bad things I've ever done.
I never wanted us to fight.
I never wanted to lose you.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
I didn't mean to hurt her.
And now I'm hurting.
I've been crying on and off ever since the conversation last night.
I can't stop crying.
I never tried to hurt her.
I've been depressed all this week
But nothing compared to what I felt last night.
I am so sorry.
I want to die.
I want to erase all the bad things I've ever done.
I never wanted us to fight.
I never wanted to lose you.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
17 March 2011
Insert Title Here
Background story: Will got arrested because he got caught driving with no license or insurance. He has a curfew, 2200 on weeknights/midnight on weekends. If he's not here a minute after, I get to call mom, and he goes to jail. She paid me to be her snitch.
Okay so Shawn thinks I took money to not hang out with him. I explained the above to him, but apparently he doesn't understand. He can still come over, and I can still go visit him. There was no rule against it, but he doesn't understand that either. He says he doesn't want to hang here because there's "nothing to do, " but I'm tired of hanging out at his house ALL the time. He never listens to me.
Terry said "Does he really think that you two are going to be around each other every waking hour of the day? Cause... you're not. And if he's going to break up with you: don't give him the satisfaction. You do it first." and Ezra said:
Okay so Shawn thinks I took money to not hang out with him. I explained the above to him, but apparently he doesn't understand. He can still come over, and I can still go visit him. There was no rule against it, but he doesn't understand that either. He says he doesn't want to hang here because there's "nothing to do, " but I'm tired of hanging out at his house ALL the time. He never listens to me.
Terry said "Does he really think that you two are going to be around each other every waking hour of the day? Cause... you're not. And if he's going to break up with you: don't give him the satisfaction. You do it first." and Ezra said:
Yes.
Do it first.
sudo apt-get install fishfood
0633 Thursday 17 March 2011
Why am I still writing in this? Only one person reads it, maybe two. Terry and Nick...
Shawn and I went to go get my fish today. A black moor fancy goldfish. I think it's male, not sure. I named him "Sudo" with the help of Nick, Ezra, and Terry (I also liked Linux, Wifi, Sudo, Pixel, Digit, Qwerty, and Ascii). Then he went back to his house. He looks depressed again and I don't really know why. We had a small fight the night before that we resolved, but he tends to let problems linger on his mind. And with him being introverted, he doesn't like discussing it.
I've been talking to Ezra again. Our conversations have gotten better. It doesn't feel forced like it did for the past few weeks. Feels good man. I feel a strong brotherly feeling whenever I talk to him or think about him. I've been loyal to him through good times and bad. I miss staying up all night with him making fun of people, or laughing about stupid shit on the Internet. I mean, I can still do that via IM, but there's nothing like being in person. He's a hilarious mother fucker lol. I'm glad he and I are so close. Bros 'til death! Haha... I leave him random comments/texts/IMs, just to try to brighten his day. The little things, ya know? I know I'd like it, I figure it would make him smile. If even for a few seconds, on the inside. I think he needs that... He deserves to be happy. ALL the time. I'm glad I can try to be there for him when he's lonely or sad. I mean, what can I say? He's like a little brother to me, I want to protect him from the atrocities of the world. I know I can't, but I can sure as hell try. I love ya, bro. And I'll always be here if/when you need me. Until the day I die. If you're reading this (which I know you're probably not) I just wanted to let you know. Oh well, he knows it already I'm sure. I tell him all the time :) I guess it's just in my psychological nature to get feedback. Someone to tell me "Hey, thanks for being there for me" or "I appreciate everything you do" ...or "I'm proud of you." It's okay that he doesn't give feedback. I know that he knows. I know how he feels. So, it's all good lol.
Makes me sad he wants to leave WCU, maybe indefinitely. I want him to be happy, whatever he decides to do. But I don't want to miss him anymore... I know that's probably selfish of me, but he's the closest friend I've ever had in my life. I'm blessed to have met him. The stars must have been aligned that day. Who knew that we'd end up sharing this? We've grown together. He's changed me in ways I can't even find words to explain, and I thank him everyday for it.
Talked to Ty until 0210. He's really cool, and laid-back. I'm glad Terry "introduced" us.
Terry hasn't been on chat. I think it's because she didn't want to stay up all night again. I feel somewhat responsible. I mean I talk to her practically all day and all night. We both end up forgetting that she has to get up early for school. I want her to be happy too... with everything. She doesn't deserve having to deal with everyone else's problems on top of her own. That's too much for a young teenager to handle.
Still talking to Ezra, I mean he's online but the last thing he said was at 0523, so bid him farewell. Told him to have a good day in class. I can't go to sleep until I make sure my brother gets on the bus. Getting a little tired. Oh, and I decided I wasn't going to eat fast food or drink soda anymore, and also that I would exercise more. Like for reals this time. I know I'm not "fat." I'm actually at a healthy weight for my age and height. I just have pudge that I don't want to get out of control, is all. It can easily keep growing and growing if I let it, and I don't want that to happen.
Happy St. Patrick's Day,
-Elle
Why am I still writing in this? Only one person reads it, maybe two. Terry and Nick...
Shawn and I went to go get my fish today. A black moor fancy goldfish. I think it's male, not sure. I named him "Sudo" with the help of Nick, Ezra, and Terry (I also liked Linux, Wifi, Sudo, Pixel, Digit, Qwerty, and Ascii). Then he went back to his house. He looks depressed again and I don't really know why. We had a small fight the night before that we resolved, but he tends to let problems linger on his mind. And with him being introverted, he doesn't like discussing it.
I've been talking to Ezra again. Our conversations have gotten better. It doesn't feel forced like it did for the past few weeks. Feels good man. I feel a strong brotherly feeling whenever I talk to him or think about him. I've been loyal to him through good times and bad. I miss staying up all night with him making fun of people, or laughing about stupid shit on the Internet. I mean, I can still do that via IM, but there's nothing like being in person. He's a hilarious mother fucker lol. I'm glad he and I are so close. Bros 'til death! Haha... I leave him random comments/texts/IMs, just to try to brighten his day. The little things, ya know? I know I'd like it, I figure it would make him smile. If even for a few seconds, on the inside. I think he needs that... He deserves to be happy. ALL the time. I'm glad I can try to be there for him when he's lonely or sad. I mean, what can I say? He's like a little brother to me, I want to protect him from the atrocities of the world. I know I can't, but I can sure as hell try. I love ya, bro. And I'll always be here if/when you need me. Until the day I die. If you're reading this (which I know you're probably not) I just wanted to let you know. Oh well, he knows it already I'm sure. I tell him all the time :) I guess it's just in my psychological nature to get feedback. Someone to tell me "Hey, thanks for being there for me" or "I appreciate everything you do" ...or "I'm proud of you." It's okay that he doesn't give feedback. I know that he knows. I know how he feels. So, it's all good lol.
Makes me sad he wants to leave WCU, maybe indefinitely. I want him to be happy, whatever he decides to do. But I don't want to miss him anymore... I know that's probably selfish of me, but he's the closest friend I've ever had in my life. I'm blessed to have met him. The stars must have been aligned that day. Who knew that we'd end up sharing this? We've grown together. He's changed me in ways I can't even find words to explain, and I thank him everyday for it.
Talked to Ty until 0210. He's really cool, and laid-back. I'm glad Terry "introduced" us.
Terry hasn't been on chat. I think it's because she didn't want to stay up all night again. I feel somewhat responsible. I mean I talk to her practically all day and all night. We both end up forgetting that she has to get up early for school. I want her to be happy too... with everything. She doesn't deserve having to deal with everyone else's problems on top of her own. That's too much for a young teenager to handle.
Still talking to Ezra, I mean he's online but the last thing he said was at 0523, so bid him farewell. Told him to have a good day in class. I can't go to sleep until I make sure my brother gets on the bus. Getting a little tired. Oh, and I decided I wasn't going to eat fast food or drink soda anymore, and also that I would exercise more. Like for reals this time. I know I'm not "fat." I'm actually at a healthy weight for my age and height. I just have pudge that I don't want to get out of control, is all. It can easily keep growing and growing if I let it, and I don't want that to happen.
Happy St. Patrick's Day,
-Elle
15 March 2011
WHAT THE BROWN?!?!?!?!?!?
Okay so Jerrica posted this on her Facebook:
http://weheartit.com/entry/778
Yeah I thought it was cute. THE FIRST TIME I SAW IT. I guess I can thank Ezra for that. He's the one that got me going to 4chan and FunnyJunk.
So I commented. I said "Repost."
Her response: "?"
My reply: "4chan b'aww threads."
And then apparently her bitch mode engaged, because she wrote this on my wall:
I mean what the shit, I was hoping to room with her next semester. I guess not anymore if she's going to be a bitch. OH AND GUESS WHAT? Shawn called. I explained it to him, and he said "Well, you do make Internet your life." How can you be mad at someone for saying they've seen it before? I mean yeah, I guess I ripped her glory, whatever. *Sigh* whatever...
Jesus fuck, why am I getting ganged-up on? At least I still have Ezra... he would understand, considering he made me this way. :)
http://weheartit.com/entry/778
Yeah I thought it was cute. THE FIRST TIME I SAW IT. I guess I can thank Ezra for that. He's the one that got me going to 4chan and FunnyJunk.
So I commented. I said "Repost."
Her response: "?"
My reply: "4chan b'aww threads."
And then apparently her bitch mode engaged, because she wrote this on my wall:
Shawn Michael Dawson Me too.7 minutes ago ·
Elle Ectabuzz IT WAS SARCASM. FUCK YOU. We hang out from the moment we wake up to practically the moment we fall asleep. Almost every day. I only get online at night to talk to Terry. So excuse the fuck out of me!
5 minutes ago ·
Shawn Michael Dawson We haven't hung out in days. It's like we hang out three days of the week, then I don't see you for a week.
2 minutes ago ·
Elle Ectabuzz We hung out Sunday, Shawn. Sorry for hanging out with my MOM! What the brown...
about a minute ago ·
Are you okay?
I feel like I offended you.
And I'm sorry.
It was just the way you said it. I didn't mean to offend you.
I'm sorry.
It was all in good fun though. I didn't mean it in a bad way.
Are we good?
I mean what the shit, I was hoping to room with her next semester. I guess not anymore if she's going to be a bitch. OH AND GUESS WHAT? Shawn called. I explained it to him, and he said "Well, you do make Internet your life." How can you be mad at someone for saying they've seen it before? I mean yeah, I guess I ripped her glory, whatever. *Sigh* whatever...
Jesus fuck, why am I getting ganged-up on? At least I still have Ezra... he would understand, considering he made me this way. :)
Lol.
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