1637 Friday 30 December 2011
Christmas was awesome.
I got a Sonic the Hedgehog shirt from Ezra, and Grimm's Complete Fairy Tales from Deborah. And Ty came over 2 days ago and gave me a 4x4x4 Rubik's Cube, a nice addition to my collection so far. I fucking love that thing. And it was all thanks to him that I got obsessed with it in the first place lol. I got most of it down. I need to memorize a few algorithms for certain cases and parities. But other than that, I can't wait to get a 5x5x5.
Ezra gets off work at 9. I've been teaching him how to solve a 3x3x3. I was so happy when he asked about it. And he's getting really good at it too.
I'm bored.
Woooooooooo.
-Elle
30 December 2011
20 December 2011
So THIS happened today.
2358 Monday 19 December 2011
And I thought it was pretty awesome.
Tomorrow (technically today) is Burger King day. And Ezra's off Wednesday. I applied at the closest Walmart. Five more days until Cthulhu-mas.
Also, I've been in a MUCH better mood. Giddy and whatnot. I like it. Last night, Ezra and I were going through iTunes (mental reminder to copy his MLP OST and Daft Punk discography) and talking about Tony Hawk games. Oh, and he and I took a walk the other day. It reminded me of walking with him at Western. And we got to enjoy the gorgeous sunset together. I think that's what I needed. One on one time with him. :)
Uhhhhhmm... I can't think of anything else to say at the moment.
-Elle
And I thought it was pretty awesome.
Tomorrow (technically today) is Burger King day. And Ezra's off Wednesday. I applied at the closest Walmart. Five more days until Cthulhu-mas.
Also, I've been in a MUCH better mood. Giddy and whatnot. I like it. Last night, Ezra and I were going through iTunes (mental reminder to copy his MLP OST and Daft Punk discography) and talking about Tony Hawk games. Oh, and he and I took a walk the other day. It reminded me of walking with him at Western. And we got to enjoy the gorgeous sunset together. I think that's what I needed. One on one time with him. :)
Uhhhhhmm... I can't think of anything else to say at the moment.
-Elle
16 December 2011
I need a drink.
1603 Friday 16 December 2011
...Of water. I've done so much today. And I'm damn proud of myself. I woke up around the time Ezra got out of the shower. After he and Meryl left, I biked around the triangle, folded Ezra's laundry, did mine, cleaned and vacuumed the bedroom and living room, unloaded and refilled the dishwasher, and called the Food Lion I used to work at. About to take out the trash in Ezra's room, the bathroom, the living room, and the kitchen.
My back, hips, and knees hurt. But I think I make a fantastic housewife. ^_^ Here's to hoping my fine work doesn't go unnoticed. ;)
Unfortunately, the only downfall to today (besides Ezra not being here) is menstruating. Explains why I've been in an indifferent mood. Most of it, I think, was caused by my desire for attention. I mean, I'm not "needy" or "clingy" but I still like getting hugs and kisses. :3 Ezra's been at work, or on reddit, or playing WoW, or on his Droid. I felt a little left out. But he's been saying "I love you" more, and rubbing my back, and giving me random hugs. So, I'm feeling tons better. I'm sorry I need affection to survive lol.
Ezra doesn't get home for another 2 hours. I'll have to find something else to do. Maybe yoga or flute. Or both.
I think I'm going to make myself some "lunch." Omnomnom!
-Elle
...Of water. I've done so much today. And I'm damn proud of myself. I woke up around the time Ezra got out of the shower. After he and Meryl left, I biked around the triangle, folded Ezra's laundry, did mine, cleaned and vacuumed the bedroom and living room, unloaded and refilled the dishwasher, and called the Food Lion I used to work at. About to take out the trash in Ezra's room, the bathroom, the living room, and the kitchen.
My back, hips, and knees hurt. But I think I make a fantastic housewife. ^_^ Here's to hoping my fine work doesn't go unnoticed. ;)
Unfortunately, the only downfall to today (besides Ezra not being here) is menstruating. Explains why I've been in an indifferent mood. Most of it, I think, was caused by my desire for attention. I mean, I'm not "needy" or "clingy" but I still like getting hugs and kisses. :3 Ezra's been at work, or on reddit, or playing WoW, or on his Droid. I felt a little left out. But he's been saying "I love you" more, and rubbing my back, and giving me random hugs. So, I'm feeling tons better. I'm sorry I need affection to survive lol.
Ezra doesn't get home for another 2 hours. I'll have to find something else to do. Maybe yoga or flute. Or both.
I think I'm going to make myself some "lunch." Omnomnom!
-Elle
15 December 2011
Phew...
1517 Thursday 15 December 2011
It sure has been a while.
Called the collection agency (Student Loan) and got a forbearance on my account. I owe $2,873.25 and my first payment is WAY past due. Luckily, I'm awaiting my request approval, and if it is approved, I won't have to pay anything until June 2012.
I also called my previous employer, Mark, but he wasn't working today. I was informed that he would be in tomorrow, and to call after 14:00. Hopefully I can get a reference from him so I can work at a Food Lion near here.
Ezra started his first job at RadioShack yesterday (15:00-21:00) and works today and tomorrow from 12:00 to 18:00. While he's been gone, I've done numerous things. Mostly played my flute (Legend of Zelda, Kingdom Hearts, Donkey Kong, and Pokemon music) and did his laundry. Today, I tried to teach myself bagpipe. I know the fingerings now. But super-fail at attempting to play anything good. I've done some yoga as well. No use in sitting here doing nothing all day. Hopefully, I can get some biking in before Ezra gets home. Not around the triangle, but just up and down the street. Gotta burn calories. I want to lose inches. Tired of feeling sluggish and unfit. I'm at a normal weight for my age and height, but I feel the need to work on a few things before it gets out of control.
I can't wait to read Grimm's and Hans Christian Anderson's Complete Fairy Tales, and Arabian Nights. I've been dying to add to my collection (Barnes & Noble leatherbound classics) but so far I only own H.P. Lovecraft's Complete Fiction. One day, I hope to own them all (Edgar Allen Poe, Sherlock Holmes, Iliad & Odyssey, Shakespeare, Divine Comedy, etc), on proud display somewhere.
Ta-ta for now, everypony!
-Elle
14 November 2011
Cold.
1546 Monday 14 November 2011 and 1422 Tuesday 15 November 2011
Woke up yesterday with a sore throat, fever, sinus congestion and runny nose. Long story short, got some Cold-EEZE, and slept. Feeling SO much better, ears still feel cloudy and going through this box of tissues pretty quickly.
Going home on Wednesday.
Been watching Ezra play Skyrim.
I would love to have my hair like this (drew this in paint, btw ^_^):
Woke up yesterday with a sore throat, fever, sinus congestion and runny nose. Long story short, got some Cold-EEZE, and slept. Feeling SO much better, ears still feel cloudy and going through this box of tissues pretty quickly.
Going home on Wednesday.
Been watching Ezra play Skyrim.
I would love to have my hair like this (drew this in paint, btw ^_^):
If I do, I'll have to wait for it to get longer. But I have to look at the long-term, the growing out will take a long time, then there's future wedding hair. I mean, it looks awesome. But I know that I'm a "cut hair on a whim" type person, and I just really want my hair to be long again. We'll see.
Vivian is laying beside me, twitching in her sleep.
I'm hungry.
I'm having baby thoughts. Brain is at that age, wants to continue human race.
I found these gorgeous rings online, but I saw one that I really like. I'm not a big-ring person. The simpler (and cheaper), the better. And I want sapphire, if there's anything next to it then maybe cubic zirconium.
This one really caught my eye (a lot of other ones did too, but looked gaudy and expensive). The others were cute, but holy shit...
While watching Project Runway with Ezra and asked him what colors were going to be in our wedding. He said brown, of course. xD I thought, not bad. Teal goes good with it.
But I've really wanted yellow flowers in my bouquet (favorite color), so I dunno if I can anymore. Maybe yellow and teal. I don't know. I think about that more when the time comes.
Wish this sore throat will go away, I can deal with the mucus.
Blegh,
-Elle Diablo
09 November 2011
World of Warcraft
1640 Wednesday 9 November 2011
I played it before, at Ian's house. I had a level 15 balance druid Worgen. But Ezra got me REALLY into it. I now have a level 20 elemental shaman Draenei, a level 13 beast mastery hunter Blood Elf, a level 11 balance druid Troll, and a few level ones (Night Elf, Undead, Orc, and Dwarf). I have a trial account so the level cap is at 20. Once I get enough money, I hope to buy it. Being a Blood Elf hunter was probably my best in-game decision. It's so much fun.
Ezra just got his holy paladin Blood Elf to level 85. I'm so proud of him. I made him something last night to tell him that I love him, and to congratulate his achievement. It took me a few hours, because I wanted everything to be perfect. Not a pixel out of place. I really hope he likes it. I think it's cute, makes me d'aww. :3
As I was making it, I found out something I really like doing. No idea why. There was a part of it, that if I wanted it perfect and true to gameplay, I'd have to "Inspect Element" on an item that already existed. It involved some HTML codes that I was familiar with, and some that I've never experienced. Like the hands-on learner I am, I tinkered around with it until I found what I was looking for and until I got it exactly how I wanted it to look. As I was creating the attributes, I tried to keep it true to game as well. I wanted it to makes sense, as correct as possible. I can only hope I succeeded. When I was happy with the result I print screened it, and did all my editing in Gimp. I just now got the hang of the basics. Enough to create things I'm proud of. I have a lot to learn, and I can't wait to learn more and see what I'm capable of (both HTML and Gimp).
In other news, I'm probably going home this weekend. I don't want to, but I need to. I need to send in an appeal for financial aid at WCU, as my FAFSA was denied. For that I need my step-father's death certificate, which I can only get from my mother if I go back home. I'll probably have to do other things in order for Western to approve me, but I'll find out more about that later in the week. And I can only hope my mother is less mad at me.
Reddit. I got more addicted to it than I thought I would. I never thought I'd leave FunnyJunk, but I did. And it was for the better. Reddit is larger, and more interesting. And Reddit Enhancement Suite just makes everything better. I saw something a little while back that reminded me of Ezra. "Dear WoW/Reddit, give me my boyfriend back." I laughed at how relevant it was. But then I realized, he enjoys it. It's his hobby. Like others have cross-stitching or backyard soccer. And I like them too. They give us something to do, and they are two more things that we have in common with each other. I'll admit, sometimes I wish he'd pay more attention to me than that dang computer/smartphone lol, but I'm not going to take away something that he loves to be selfish. I can wait. And besides, with the Internet there, there is practically billions of subjects we can discuss. Little do I realize, the thing I'm jealous of, is what brings us that much closer together.
Ezra, I love you so much. I'm not going to leave you. Ever. I know that you were hurt in the past and are scared that I might do the same thing. I'm not, I promise. I've waited my whole life for you, and I vow to try to make you the happiest man in the world. I want to marry you, have your cute little babies. Watch them grow up, grow old with you. I'm yours forever. You are my everything, and always will be.
And with that, I conclude this portion of "A Day in the Life of Elle," see you next time.
I played it before, at Ian's house. I had a level 15 balance druid Worgen. But Ezra got me REALLY into it. I now have a level 20 elemental shaman Draenei, a level 13 beast mastery hunter Blood Elf, a level 11 balance druid Troll, and a few level ones (Night Elf, Undead, Orc, and Dwarf). I have a trial account so the level cap is at 20. Once I get enough money, I hope to buy it. Being a Blood Elf hunter was probably my best in-game decision. It's so much fun.
Ezra just got his holy paladin Blood Elf to level 85. I'm so proud of him. I made him something last night to tell him that I love him, and to congratulate his achievement. It took me a few hours, because I wanted everything to be perfect. Not a pixel out of place. I really hope he likes it. I think it's cute, makes me d'aww. :3
As I was making it, I found out something I really like doing. No idea why. There was a part of it, that if I wanted it perfect and true to gameplay, I'd have to "Inspect Element" on an item that already existed. It involved some HTML codes that I was familiar with, and some that I've never experienced. Like the hands-on learner I am, I tinkered around with it until I found what I was looking for and until I got it exactly how I wanted it to look. As I was creating the attributes, I tried to keep it true to game as well. I wanted it to makes sense, as correct as possible. I can only hope I succeeded. When I was happy with the result I print screened it, and did all my editing in Gimp. I just now got the hang of the basics. Enough to create things I'm proud of. I have a lot to learn, and I can't wait to learn more and see what I'm capable of (both HTML and Gimp).
In other news, I'm probably going home this weekend. I don't want to, but I need to. I need to send in an appeal for financial aid at WCU, as my FAFSA was denied. For that I need my step-father's death certificate, which I can only get from my mother if I go back home. I'll probably have to do other things in order for Western to approve me, but I'll find out more about that later in the week. And I can only hope my mother is less mad at me.
Reddit. I got more addicted to it than I thought I would. I never thought I'd leave FunnyJunk, but I did. And it was for the better. Reddit is larger, and more interesting. And Reddit Enhancement Suite just makes everything better. I saw something a little while back that reminded me of Ezra. "Dear WoW/Reddit, give me my boyfriend back." I laughed at how relevant it was. But then I realized, he enjoys it. It's his hobby. Like others have cross-stitching or backyard soccer. And I like them too. They give us something to do, and they are two more things that we have in common with each other. I'll admit, sometimes I wish he'd pay more attention to me than that dang computer/smartphone lol, but I'm not going to take away something that he loves to be selfish. I can wait. And besides, with the Internet there, there is practically billions of subjects we can discuss. Little do I realize, the thing I'm jealous of, is what brings us that much closer together.
Ezra, I love you so much. I'm not going to leave you. Ever. I know that you were hurt in the past and are scared that I might do the same thing. I'm not, I promise. I've waited my whole life for you, and I vow to try to make you the happiest man in the world. I want to marry you, have your cute little babies. Watch them grow up, grow old with you. I'm yours forever. You are my everything, and always will be.
And with that, I conclude this portion of "A Day in the Life of Elle," see you next time.
30 October 2011
Halloween Party
0224 Sunday 30 October 2011
Went to Sam's house with Ezra. She had a halloween party. I met Candace for the first time, saw Shelby for the second time, and met Katie, Kaitlyn, Ely, Tara, Megan, and Whitney. They all seemed awesome, and I hope I get to talk to/see them again.
Ezra is going to be playing WoW again.
I think I need a new battery for my laptop. Great...
Goodnight,
-Elle
Went to Sam's house with Ezra. She had a halloween party. I met Candace for the first time, saw Shelby for the second time, and met Katie, Kaitlyn, Ely, Tara, Megan, and Whitney. They all seemed awesome, and I hope I get to talk to/see them again.
Ezra is going to be playing WoW again.
I think I need a new battery for my laptop. Great...
Goodnight,
-Elle
14 October 2011
I think I want to go home.
Friday 14 October 2011
Not sure why. I just do. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome. The Byrds are fantastic and hospitable, but I don't want to be a burden on them anymore.
Ezra. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings all the times that I did. And I'm sorry for wanting to go home. I think you need some much needed time off from me. I need to give you time to miss me. Just know, that nothing is your fault. I'm just fond of affection. Kisses, hugs, cuddling, holding hands. "I love you"s... I thought me being here, you would drop your games and Reddit for a while, at least until I left. I figured, "he can do all that stuff while I'm gone. I have a limited time here, he would want to spend every waking minute with me, right?" (But what is there to do in Mebane without a car? Without walking 5 miles to get somewhere? Without begging for a ride somewhere?) I've always been told to stop assuming. I guess I'm just used to attention. Before you say "that's how I am, deal with it," I want to say that I'm not making you change anything. I'll just use this as a lesson learned on my part. I knew what I wanted. You. And I would do anything to make you mine. I did. And now I have you. I never want to lose you. I need to stop this insanity, I guess. Who needs affection anyway? Babies, I suppose. You and I both know that I put you on a pedestal. In my head, you were the most amazing person on the face of the planet. You still are. I love you so much, and I always will.
I just wanted to go out and DO SOMETHING with you. HANG OUT with you. BE SOMEWHERE with you. Be affectionate with you.
I texted mom. (She's mad at me because of something over facebook, and hasn't responded at all. Immature bitch. Glad to know if I was sick, she'd want to know. Psh.) I told her that I think I'm ready to come home. No response. I mean, I can always come back here. When Ezra misses me again. But for now, Reddit wins. I need to go home anyway. I don't have financial aid, so I'm probably not going back to WCU this spring (Another semester to hang out at Ezra's house! (Unless he goes back...)). So I need to get a job. Really. I need to be able to pay off my loan. I want money for myself. I want to be able to get my license, get a cheap car, and afford payments and insurance. I'm twenty fucking years old, I need to start acting like it.
Stupid "I'm not good enough" moods. Go away.
Not sure why. I just do. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome. The Byrds are fantastic and hospitable, but I don't want to be a burden on them anymore.
Ezra. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings all the times that I did. And I'm sorry for wanting to go home. I think you need some much needed time off from me. I need to give you time to miss me. Just know, that nothing is your fault. I'm just fond of affection. Kisses, hugs, cuddling, holding hands. "I love you"s... I thought me being here, you would drop your games and Reddit for a while, at least until I left. I figured, "he can do all that stuff while I'm gone. I have a limited time here, he would want to spend every waking minute with me, right?" (But what is there to do in Mebane without a car? Without walking 5 miles to get somewhere? Without begging for a ride somewhere?) I've always been told to stop assuming. I guess I'm just used to attention. Before you say "that's how I am, deal with it," I want to say that I'm not making you change anything. I'll just use this as a lesson learned on my part. I knew what I wanted. You. And I would do anything to make you mine. I did. And now I have you. I never want to lose you. I need to stop this insanity, I guess. Who needs affection anyway? Babies, I suppose. You and I both know that I put you on a pedestal. In my head, you were the most amazing person on the face of the planet. You still are. I love you so much, and I always will.
I just wanted to go out and DO SOMETHING with you. HANG OUT with you. BE SOMEWHERE with you. Be affectionate with you.
I texted mom. (She's mad at me because of something over facebook, and hasn't responded at all. Immature bitch. Glad to know if I was sick, she'd want to know. Psh.) I told her that I think I'm ready to come home. No response. I mean, I can always come back here. When Ezra misses me again. But for now, Reddit wins. I need to go home anyway. I don't have financial aid, so I'm probably not going back to WCU this spring (Another semester to hang out at Ezra's house! (Unless he goes back...)). So I need to get a job. Really. I need to be able to pay off my loan. I want money for myself. I want to be able to get my license, get a cheap car, and afford payments and insurance. I'm twenty fucking years old, I need to start acting like it.
Stupid "I'm not good enough" moods. Go away.
04 October 2011
What the fuck, Elle...
2002 Tuesday 4 October 2011
Not joking ever again. Ever. Every time I do, I feel bad, because maybe I hit a nerve too hard. It's hard to tell if I did or not though. So from now on, I'll just not joke. If I hate getting misunderstood so much, why do I keep creating situations that cause it? I'm so stupid. Fuck... I tend to joke about the past. How it use to be. I'm not upset about it. I let it go. Whatever happened, happened. No one can change it. And it's not like that anymore, so it's not a big deal. I'm happy now. Happier than I've ever been. I want this feeling to last forever, and I'm not going to let anything that has happened or will happen bring it down.
Also, don't even know if my mother is alive or not. I keep expecting her to text and say "So, you ready to come home yet?" followed by a rant about 'choosing where I want to live, etc.' I texted her yesterday about the application fee for Western that I sent, but haven't gotten a reply. Not even a "K," which is the usual for her. I was thinking that with my brother and I out of the house (he's in SC with my dad) that she'd be out hitting the clubs, flirting with men. But I haven't heard from her in two days.
Haven't been writing in this because I'm at Ezra's and he's the only one besides Terry that reads it, so there's no point in writing in this if I can just hang out with him and tell him how I'm feeling. I don't know why I write in this at all, actually. I have nothing interesting to say. I only wrote to let Ezra and Terry, and whoever else I end up linking it to, can read about how I'm feeling. Which was depressed most of the time. But now I'm happy. And I doubt anybody wants to read about happiness. Let's face it: It's boring and annoying to read about how happy someone is, especially if the reader is sad. It's like "Let me rub my perfect life in your face." That's fucked up.
Yeah. Not feeling too great. Feeling guilty and worried. Not a good combo.
Goodnight...
-Elle
Not joking ever again. Ever. Every time I do, I feel bad, because maybe I hit a nerve too hard. It's hard to tell if I did or not though. So from now on, I'll just not joke. If I hate getting misunderstood so much, why do I keep creating situations that cause it? I'm so stupid. Fuck... I tend to joke about the past. How it use to be. I'm not upset about it. I let it go. Whatever happened, happened. No one can change it. And it's not like that anymore, so it's not a big deal. I'm happy now. Happier than I've ever been. I want this feeling to last forever, and I'm not going to let anything that has happened or will happen bring it down.
Also, don't even know if my mother is alive or not. I keep expecting her to text and say "So, you ready to come home yet?" followed by a rant about 'choosing where I want to live, etc.' I texted her yesterday about the application fee for Western that I sent, but haven't gotten a reply. Not even a "K," which is the usual for her. I was thinking that with my brother and I out of the house (he's in SC with my dad) that she'd be out hitting the clubs, flirting with men. But I haven't heard from her in two days.
Haven't been writing in this because I'm at Ezra's and he's the only one besides Terry that reads it, so there's no point in writing in this if I can just hang out with him and tell him how I'm feeling. I don't know why I write in this at all, actually. I have nothing interesting to say. I only wrote to let Ezra and Terry, and whoever else I end up linking it to, can read about how I'm feeling. Which was depressed most of the time. But now I'm happy. And I doubt anybody wants to read about happiness. Let's face it: It's boring and annoying to read about how happy someone is, especially if the reader is sad. It's like "Let me rub my perfect life in your face." That's fucked up.
Yeah. Not feeling too great. Feeling guilty and worried. Not a good combo.
Goodnight...
-Elle
12 September 2011
Random List of Names that I've Liked Over the Years
Female:
Amethyst, Amour, Anastasia, Anna, Anja/Anya, Artemis, Ashlyn, Aubrie, Audrey, *Aurora "Rory", Autumn, Baelie, Chell, Chelsea, Chloe, Coralyn "Cori", Cyren "Wren", Dahleah, Eevee, Eden, Ezraela/Azreila, Francesca, Graelyn, *Grayleigh/Graylie, *Greylia/Greyleah, Greigh, Greyla/Graylah, Harmonie, Hermione, Jade, Jazmyn, *Jeidah, Kairi, Kali, Kendyl, *Kharma, Keidynce, Kortnie, Kylie, Kynadi, *Leigha, *Leilah, Lexi, Lilly, Loghan, Lynzie, *Macilyn "Maci", Madison, Mallorie, Mackynzie, *Meikah, Melodie, Merideth, Mikaelah, Mischa, *Naomie, Natalia, Natasha, Olivia, Pandora, Phoebe, Rachel, *Reighan, Rhaevyn/Raven, Rosalynn/Roselyn/Roslyn (Rose for my Oma, Lynn for Deborah and Penny), Ryleigh (Graylyn would kill me), Sapphire/-ira, Serah, Sonia, Sydnie, Symphoni, Svetlana, Talulah, Tara, Tori, Trixxie, *Xoie (Zoey), Xylia, *Zelda
Future Daughter: Sylvia Roselyn Byrd
Male:
*Arceus, Artemis, *Cairo, Dmitriy, Dyllon, Ezra, Flint/Flynt, Geoffrey, Gray, Greggory, Jeremy, *Jasper, Jaxxon, Kellan, Kraig, *Linux, Loki, Lucario "Luke", Mason, Mordecai, Myles, Nathan, Niels, Nikolai, Noah, October "Tobi", Oliver, Orion, Peyton, *Phineas "Finn", Phoenix, Riku, *Roxas, *Sawyer, Scott, Sephiroth "Seph", *Spencer, Sora, Toki, *Tryston, Vladimir, Wesley
Future Son: Flint Gray Byrd
06 September 2011
31 August 2011
Why.
2024 Wednesday 31 August 2011
Why does this happen?
Why do I do this?
I don't want to do or say things to make Ezra sad. One sentence can change a whole conversation if taken the wrong way. I don't want to be misunderstood. I don't want the things I say to make him sad. Why do I keep doing this? Even though it's an accident, it can be prevented. But then he doesn't talk. I know something's wrong but he won't tell me. I don't want to MAKE him, but I want to know. I know 90% of the time it's my fault, because of something stupid I've said. He tells me all the time that he'd rather hear my honest answer than something sugarcoated. Well, I feel the same way, Ezra. If something is wrong, please tell me so I can fix it. I didn't mean to make you feel bad, and I feel like shit everytime I do. You think not telling me what's wrong is helping me, preventing me from being sad. Well, it's not. I get sad because I made you sad, and I get even more sad when you don't tell me when you're sad. I just want to make you happy, you make me happy. I'm so sorry I keep doing this... I'm not doing it on purpose. Let me fix it. I'm sorry. I love you so much.
-Elle
Why does this happen?
Why do I do this?
I don't want to do or say things to make Ezra sad. One sentence can change a whole conversation if taken the wrong way. I don't want to be misunderstood. I don't want the things I say to make him sad. Why do I keep doing this? Even though it's an accident, it can be prevented. But then he doesn't talk. I know something's wrong but he won't tell me. I don't want to MAKE him, but I want to know. I know 90% of the time it's my fault, because of something stupid I've said. He tells me all the time that he'd rather hear my honest answer than something sugarcoated. Well, I feel the same way, Ezra. If something is wrong, please tell me so I can fix it. I didn't mean to make you feel bad, and I feel like shit everytime I do. You think not telling me what's wrong is helping me, preventing me from being sad. Well, it's not. I get sad because I made you sad, and I get even more sad when you don't tell me when you're sad. I just want to make you happy, you make me happy. I'm so sorry I keep doing this... I'm not doing it on purpose. Let me fix it. I'm sorry. I love you so much.
-Elle
10 August 2011
TI-82
1809 Wednesday 10 August 2011
Star Trek is on. Aw yeah.
I've been at Ezra's house since the 3rd. He and his dad picked me up from my house. I love it here, besides the mega-allergies. And his family likes me, which is good. :D It's going to suck when he has to go to school. :(
Mom texted me the other day asking if I was ready to come home yet. I was like "lolnope." She doesn't believe anyone can put up with me for this long lol.
Food time.
-Elle
Star Trek is on. Aw yeah.
I've been at Ezra's house since the 3rd. He and his dad picked me up from my house. I love it here, besides the mega-allergies. And his family likes me, which is good. :D It's going to suck when he has to go to school. :(
Mom texted me the other day asking if I was ready to come home yet. I was like "lolnope." She doesn't believe anyone can put up with me for this long lol.
Food time.
-Elle
01 August 2011
Skypecrafting
0012 Monday 01 August 2011
Been playing Minecraft and talking on Skype with Ezra, Nick, and Logan practically every night for the past week-ish. We've been working on "Bro World." Which is nice. I like it. We've also been playing obstacle courses. I fail at ladder jumps. Super fail. I tend to give up when I'm frustrated, but I don't need to. Right now Nick is trying to figure out what's wrong with the server.
I had Arby's today. For the second time in my life. It was delicious.
Shawn's being a mega-douchebag. He's so dumb. He is really dumb. Fo' real.
I'm writing out sheet music for "hal4," which is a really pretty song in Minecraft.
I don't know what else to write about right now.
I love you, Ezra Gray.
-Elle
Been playing Minecraft and talking on Skype with Ezra, Nick, and Logan practically every night for the past week-ish. We've been working on "Bro World." Which is nice. I like it. We've also been playing obstacle courses. I fail at ladder jumps. Super fail. I tend to give up when I'm frustrated, but I don't need to. Right now Nick is trying to figure out what's wrong with the server.
I had Arby's today. For the second time in my life. It was delicious.
Shawn's being a mega-douchebag. He's so dumb. He is really dumb. Fo' real.
I'm writing out sheet music for "hal4," which is a really pretty song in Minecraft.
I don't know what else to write about right now.
I love you, Ezra Gray.
-Elle
26 July 2011
Heart.
I really like Ezra's version of "<3".
It's "E>".
I like it because it's different... And both of our names start with E.
I know this post is pointless, but... I liked it enough to point it out.
He's amazing.
That is all,
-Elle
It's "E>".
I like it because it's different... And both of our names start with E.
I know this post is pointless, but... I liked it enough to point it out.
He's amazing.
That is all,
-Elle
25 July 2011
21 July 2011
20 July 2011
Mebane
2133 Wednesday 20 July 2011
Just got home from spending the last two days at Ezra's house. I had a really good time. Went to Red Lobster and watched Harry Potter 7.2 with his sister Meryl and her boyfriend Andrew yesterday. Today we just hung in his room. I didn't want to leave. Hell, I don't want to leave ever. Hopefully, eventually, I won't have to. Ever. I can just stay with him forever. And everything will be perfect. One day. :/
Tired... Lonely...
Goodnight,
-Elle
Just got home from spending the last two days at Ezra's house. I had a really good time. Went to Red Lobster and watched Harry Potter 7.2 with his sister Meryl and her boyfriend Andrew yesterday. Today we just hung in his room. I didn't want to leave. Hell, I don't want to leave ever. Hopefully, eventually, I won't have to. Ever. I can just stay with him forever. And everything will be perfect. One day. :/
Tired... Lonely...
Goodnight,
-Elle
16 July 2011
14 July 2011
Cthulhu
1831 Thursday 14 July 2011
Got back from Barnes and Noble. Got H.P. Lovecraft: The Complete Fiction. Going to start reading "The Call of Cthulhu" first. And then start from the beginning, reading the rest, cover to cover. I've needed something to read for a while. I have no books here. I was actually debating on that one or the full Grimm works. Glad I chose this one.
Reading...
-Elle
Got back from Barnes and Noble. Got H.P. Lovecraft: The Complete Fiction. Going to start reading "The Call of Cthulhu" first. And then start from the beginning, reading the rest, cover to cover. I've needed something to read for a while. I have no books here. I was actually debating on that one or the full Grimm works. Glad I chose this one.
Reading...
-Elle
12 July 2011
Yup
1819 Tuesday 12 July 2011
I was told something today, that I've been telling myself for months. I'm "fat." Not extremely, just... not at my prime I suppose. I've been meaning to work out, and eat healthier. Just been lazy. But I have motivation now. Something to work towards.
Other than that, I'm feeling alright right now. Not ecstatic, but not too bad either. In the middle? It fluctuates. I felt overwhelmingly happy earlier. It felt so good. I was giggly and excited. Now, just feeling self-conscious. But it's for the better, I need to get my body back in shape. I've needed to for a while. Marching helped a little, but now I'm not doing anything but sitting on my computer. Not good. But if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it mostly for me. The way it should be. I'm not the kind of person that changes for others, but this is worth it. It would benefit more than just me.
ANYWAY... Gonna see if Nick is online. His servers up. Maybe we can Skype and play Minecraft. If not. I'm going to do some sit-ups and walk the dog lol. Or maybe see if the tires on my bike are flat or not.
Can't wait to see Ezra in possibly less than a week. Wish I could be at White Lake with him, sounded like fun.
So in love...
Elle<3
I was told something today, that I've been telling myself for months. I'm "fat." Not extremely, just... not at my prime I suppose. I've been meaning to work out, and eat healthier. Just been lazy. But I have motivation now. Something to work towards.
Other than that, I'm feeling alright right now. Not ecstatic, but not too bad either. In the middle? It fluctuates. I felt overwhelmingly happy earlier. It felt so good. I was giggly and excited. Now, just feeling self-conscious. But it's for the better, I need to get my body back in shape. I've needed to for a while. Marching helped a little, but now I'm not doing anything but sitting on my computer. Not good. But if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it mostly for me. The way it should be. I'm not the kind of person that changes for others, but this is worth it. It would benefit more than just me.
ANYWAY... Gonna see if Nick is online. His servers up. Maybe we can Skype and play Minecraft. If not. I'm going to do some sit-ups and walk the dog lol. Or maybe see if the tires on my bike are flat or not.
Can't wait to see Ezra in possibly less than a week. Wish I could be at White Lake with him, sounded like fun.
So in love...
Elle<3
11 July 2011
Skype
0827 Monday 11 July 2011
Played a little Minecraft with Nick last night while talking on Skype. Then when we quit playing, we kept the call but pretty much stopped talking and just IM'd (no webcam because mine isn't working right). But oddly I liked the sound of him typing, and his computer fan starting and stopping every now and then. And his chair squeaks a lot.
Seems almost TOO quiet now. Anyway, going to sleep.
-Elle
Played a little Minecraft with Nick last night while talking on Skype. Then when we quit playing, we kept the call but pretty much stopped talking and just IM'd (no webcam because mine isn't working right). But oddly I liked the sound of him typing, and his computer fan starting and stopping every now and then. And his chair squeaks a lot.
Seems almost TOO quiet now. Anyway, going to sleep.
-Elle
09 July 2011
Pokemon Baby Names
Girls:
Eevee
Chansey
Starmie
Seadra
Dratini
Celebi
Bellossom aka Belle
Corsola
Kirlia
Roselia
Milotic
Glalie
Starly
Cresselia
Phione
Uxie
Shaymin aka Shay
Victini
Meloetta
Boys:
Shellder
Gyarados aka Gary
Magmar
Gengar
Raikou
Absol
Rayquaza aka Ray
Jirachi
Lucario aka Luke
Finneon aka Finn
Arceus
Zorua
I dunno, I was bored.
Eevee
Chansey
Starmie
Seadra
Dratini
Celebi
Bellossom aka Belle
Corsola
Kirlia
Roselia
Milotic
Glalie
Starly
Cresselia
Phione
Uxie
Shaymin aka Shay
Victini
Meloetta
Boys:
Shellder
Gyarados aka Gary
Magmar
Gengar
Raikou
Absol
Rayquaza aka Ray
Jirachi
Lucario aka Luke
Finneon aka Finn
Arceus
Zorua
I dunno, I was bored.
01 July 2011
I'm awake.
0531 Friday 1 July 2011
Ezra couldn't sleep so we've been texting. I get to see him in a few weeks. I want to take him to see Harry Potter 7 part 2. My stomach feels weird. Don't know if it's hunger, but I'm going to eat a Poptart anyway. My computer ran a disk error check when I turned it on. I don't like when it pretends like it's going to flip shit, and make me lose everything. I need to back up my documents, or something. My phone's being retarded again. For one, the charger won't register half the time. Two, the external speaker has been busted since one of Cullowhee's first snows (water got in it). When the inbox starts to get full, it restarts. ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. Especially when I hit "reply" to a message. It's a piece of shit. Motorola Rival's should burn in hell. My contract doesn't run out until November, but I know for certain that I'm not just getting another replacement (this makes... maybe the 5th), I want a NEW phone. Preferably a Droid. And Ezra can fiddle with it and make it amazing. Also, I'm going to apply to Western for Spring 2012. I loved it there. And I want to be close to Ezra. :3
Gonna watch King of the Hill, because I don't feel like changing the channel (although, I'm pretty sure nothing better is on). And trying to resist throwing my piece of shit "phone" against the wall (which is why I had to get my 3rd one replaced).
-Elle
Ezra couldn't sleep so we've been texting. I get to see him in a few weeks. I want to take him to see Harry Potter 7 part 2. My stomach feels weird. Don't know if it's hunger, but I'm going to eat a Poptart anyway. My computer ran a disk error check when I turned it on. I don't like when it pretends like it's going to flip shit, and make me lose everything. I need to back up my documents, or something. My phone's being retarded again. For one, the charger won't register half the time. Two, the external speaker has been busted since one of Cullowhee's first snows (water got in it). When the inbox starts to get full, it restarts. ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. Especially when I hit "reply" to a message. It's a piece of shit. Motorola Rival's should burn in hell. My contract doesn't run out until November, but I know for certain that I'm not just getting another replacement (this makes... maybe the 5th), I want a NEW phone. Preferably a Droid. And Ezra can fiddle with it and make it amazing. Also, I'm going to apply to Western for Spring 2012. I loved it there. And I want to be close to Ezra. :3
Gonna watch King of the Hill, because I don't feel like changing the channel (although, I'm pretty sure nothing better is on). And trying to resist throwing my piece of shit "phone" against the wall (which is why I had to get my 3rd one replaced).
-Elle
24 June 2011
Finally.
Yeah. I'm not changing my mind anymore. I know what I want. And I will keep working toward it for the rest of my life. Nothing will ever change my mind again. I'm happy. With my decision. With everything. And it's not a lie to say it anymore. I. Am. Happy.
:)
-Elle
:)
-Elle
22 June 2011
The Best Day Ever.
1314 Wednesday 22 June 2011
Yesterday was absolutely perfect. Seriously. Ian took me to see Ezra and I had the time of my life. I hadn't laughed that much (or that hard) in so long. I can't believe how much I missed him. I was so sad having to leave. I never want to leave that boy. He's the most amazing person in the entire world. It hurts me to see him sad, but it's what he wants. He needs time to cope with everything that's happened the past few weeks. I'm here to support him always. :)
Nick should be coming today. If not... honestly, really tired of getting stood up.
Shawn tried to kill himself last night. "I would rather die now, having everything you have given me, than believing that you don't want anything to do with me." He took a slew of drugs his friends have given him over time and mixed it with alcohol. It's not fair to me. If he dies, it will be my fault. His family, my family, our friends. They will blame it on me. I don't want that. But it's either stay with him and be miserable, or leave him and he dies. What the fuck. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be with him. Especially if he keeps acting the same way that made me fall out of love with him. But I don't want to lose him completely either. I want us to still be friends...
By the way, I keep having these strange bouts where I'll try to cry but no tears will come. I'll even think of a really extreme scenario, and tears come, but they don't last. I find it truly bothersome. Crying used to come so easily for me. I don't know what's causing this.
Anyway, I'm going to surf r/nosleep for a while. At least until Nick gets here, if he ever does.
I love you, Ezra. Forever and always. :)
-Elle
Yesterday was absolutely perfect. Seriously. Ian took me to see Ezra and I had the time of my life. I hadn't laughed that much (or that hard) in so long. I can't believe how much I missed him. I was so sad having to leave. I never want to leave that boy. He's the most amazing person in the entire world. It hurts me to see him sad, but it's what he wants. He needs time to cope with everything that's happened the past few weeks. I'm here to support him always. :)
Nick should be coming today. If not... honestly, really tired of getting stood up.
Shawn tried to kill himself last night. "I would rather die now, having everything you have given me, than believing that you don't want anything to do with me." He took a slew of drugs his friends have given him over time and mixed it with alcohol. It's not fair to me. If he dies, it will be my fault. His family, my family, our friends. They will blame it on me. I don't want that. But it's either stay with him and be miserable, or leave him and he dies. What the fuck. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be with him. Especially if he keeps acting the same way that made me fall out of love with him. But I don't want to lose him completely either. I want us to still be friends...
By the way, I keep having these strange bouts where I'll try to cry but no tears will come. I'll even think of a really extreme scenario, and tears come, but they don't last. I find it truly bothersome. Crying used to come so easily for me. I don't know what's causing this.
Anyway, I'm going to surf r/nosleep for a while. At least until Nick gets here, if he ever does.
I love you, Ezra. Forever and always. :)
-Elle
19 June 2011
Update
1933 Sunday 19 June 2011
Haven't written in such a long time, it feels.
Lots of things happened. Some good, some bad.
Ty came over on the 12th. That was fun.
Nick is coming over tomorrow. I'm excited.
And Ian is taking me to see Ezra on Tuesday. Can't wait!
Think I'm going to hop in the shower,
-Elle
Haven't written in such a long time, it feels.
Lots of things happened. Some good, some bad.
Ty came over on the 12th. That was fun.
Nick is coming over tomorrow. I'm excited.
And Ian is taking me to see Ezra on Tuesday. Can't wait!
Think I'm going to hop in the shower,
-Elle
24 May 2011
Making up my mind.
1107 Tuesday 24 May 2011
So I fell in love again, got my heart broken, and decided I wasn't going to do it again. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? But this time hurt more, and I don't want it to happen again. Everything is good now. Feelings were denounced. And I strangely feel better. It's always a bad thing to fall in love with your best friend. You end up ruining all the good shit you have with them. And I think I would much rather him be my best friend than anything else.
I've been playing pokemon for the last 4 hours. Spent most of my time leveling up to evolve, filling up my pokedex and whatnot. Going to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4 today, and don't know what I'll be doing tonight. No specific plans yet. Maybe hanging with Ian, but he has to work tomorrow.
Ian had wooden puzzles in his car. I solved this one easy:
This one took a bit longer:
And he said if I solved this one, I could have it:
Took me about an hour, but I got it :D
Anyway, I'm gonna hop off of here. Have a good day everyone.
-Elle
So I fell in love again, got my heart broken, and decided I wasn't going to do it again. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? But this time hurt more, and I don't want it to happen again. Everything is good now. Feelings were denounced. And I strangely feel better. It's always a bad thing to fall in love with your best friend. You end up ruining all the good shit you have with them. And I think I would much rather him be my best friend than anything else.
I've been playing pokemon for the last 4 hours. Spent most of my time leveling up to evolve, filling up my pokedex and whatnot. Going to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4 today, and don't know what I'll be doing tonight. No specific plans yet. Maybe hanging with Ian, but he has to work tomorrow.
Ian had wooden puzzles in his car. I solved this one easy:
Anyway, I'm gonna hop off of here. Have a good day everyone.
-Elle
22 May 2011
Drunk post.
Why? I dunno.
1128 Sunday 22 May 2011
And I'm not drunk. Just buzzed. "Tipsy," if you will. I needed a release. And I feel stress-free right now. So it did it's job. And I feel like dancing. To some CRAZY ass music. I don't think I've ever felt this good, not from alcohol anyway. Wasn't much, Cherry Dr. Pepper and a little E&J VSOP brandy (ratio was about 3:1, respectively). And I don't see this as addictive. I don't see this as a downward spiral into disaster. This is just a one time occurrence, and I don't plan on doing this again anytime soon. It just feels good to let go. I am fully aware of my actions. Although I laughed at the toilet paper a while ago. I knocked it off the counter and couldn't stop laughing. xD
Watching Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. It's pretty good. I loved the 8-bit "Universal Studios" intro. Chatting with Ty. Thinking about going to sleep soon. Tired. I got this really odd wanting to dye my hair blue for some reason. I'm sure it will pass lol. I really want to see Nick and Ezra and Logan. I miss them. I feel so lonely at home. Definitely not drunk enough to have a hangover but gonna end this blog soon. Gonna sleep now. Feel like I could sleep for weeks. I can feel my fingers. Like... Typing by themselves.
Good "night" everyone,
-Elle
Update - 1639:
Well that was a pleasant nap. Stomach hurts now though ;)
1128 Sunday 22 May 2011
And I'm not drunk. Just buzzed. "Tipsy," if you will. I needed a release. And I feel stress-free right now. So it did it's job. And I feel like dancing. To some CRAZY ass music. I don't think I've ever felt this good, not from alcohol anyway. Wasn't much, Cherry Dr. Pepper and a little E&J VSOP brandy (ratio was about 3:1, respectively). And I don't see this as addictive. I don't see this as a downward spiral into disaster. This is just a one time occurrence, and I don't plan on doing this again anytime soon. It just feels good to let go. I am fully aware of my actions. Although I laughed at the toilet paper a while ago. I knocked it off the counter and couldn't stop laughing. xD
Watching Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. It's pretty good. I loved the 8-bit "Universal Studios" intro. Chatting with Ty. Thinking about going to sleep soon. Tired. I got this really odd wanting to dye my hair blue for some reason. I'm sure it will pass lol. I really want to see Nick and Ezra and Logan. I miss them. I feel so lonely at home. Definitely not drunk enough to have a hangover but gonna end this blog soon. Gonna sleep now. Feel like I could sleep for weeks. I can feel my fingers. Like... Typing by themselves.
Good "night" everyone,
-Elle
Update - 1639:
Well that was a pleasant nap. Stomach hurts now though ;)
19 May 2011
Smiling.
2344 Thursday 19 May 2011
Feels fantastic. I am now talking to Dane, Nick, Benjes still, and Callie. Brodie suggested a song, and I loved it. I don't know why. And Callie pretty much "witnessed" to me. It was refreshing to hear, at least.
Nick is online. :) Just saying (again).
Saw Ezra online for like a minute then offline again. Terry isn't responding.
I am drinking Arizona Raspberry Tea. :D
You know what? I know I have "exceedingly" good mental qualities. And I'd like to keep it that way. I'm not going to let myself be sad. Fuck that. :) That would just take away from my otherwise awesome personality. Confidence is beauty. And I'm starting to feel good about myself. I am pretty. I'm not hot, or gorgeous. But I think I'm average. I'm not butt-ugly at least lol. So yeah... people have said I'm pretty, but I never believe them. I guess it's because of growing up being tormented. But fuck them. Thank you Nick, Dane, Ian, Benjes, and random omegle people lol. You people make me feel beautiful. :3 ...And a special thanks to Ezra, for all the teachings and awesome times we shared at Western and epic IM conversations. You all make me feel amazing.
Haha. In such a good mood now. ^_^
-Elle
Feels fantastic. I am now talking to Dane, Nick, Benjes still, and Callie. Brodie suggested a song, and I loved it. I don't know why. And Callie pretty much "witnessed" to me. It was refreshing to hear, at least.
Nick is online. :) Just saying (again).
Saw Ezra online for like a minute then offline again. Terry isn't responding.
I am drinking Arizona Raspberry Tea. :D
You know what? I know I have "exceedingly" good mental qualities. And I'd like to keep it that way. I'm not going to let myself be sad. Fuck that. :) That would just take away from my otherwise awesome personality. Confidence is beauty. And I'm starting to feel good about myself. I am pretty. I'm not hot, or gorgeous. But I think I'm average. I'm not butt-ugly at least lol. So yeah... people have said I'm pretty, but I never believe them. I guess it's because of growing up being tormented. But fuck them. Thank you Nick, Dane, Ian, Benjes, and random omegle people lol. You people make me feel beautiful. :3 ...And a special thanks to Ezra, for all the teachings and awesome times we shared at Western and epic IM conversations. You all make me feel amazing.
Haha. In such a good mood now. ^_^
-Elle
Indifferent.
1857 Thursday 19 May 2011
Been talking to Benjes. He's a really nice guy, but I can understand why he is the way he is. He and I have more in common than I originally thought.
Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much. Miss. Need. Want. Love. Everyone I know, I care about. I miss everyone. I wish I didn't feel. But I don't want to just bottle my feelings away, never to see the light of day. I don't know...
Nick.
That kid's always trying to cheer me up. He said he misses me, needs me, loves me. All in a no-bromo way. He says he's proud of me. And that I'm pretty. And smart, and clever. And funny, most days. It makes me happy, but it doesn't last long. I crave human contact. I need to see people face to face. I want to feel hugs. Not **hugs**. I want to feel needed. Wanted. Just in general. And I wish I could help people not hurt anymore. That's what I want most. I'm not a selfish person. Quite the opposite. But sometimes I just want to BELIEVE that I'm wanted or needed... or loved. Is that so much to ask?
Meh... I don't like feeling sad. Actually, I wouldn't call it sad, but I don't know what to call it. I like feeling happy. I used to feel happy. I don't like people worrying about me. But I don't want to pretend to be happy. I just want to BE happy. I wish I had a time machine. One that would actually work, instead of one that would just cause a space-time rip or infinite loop, like Ezra and I discussed long ago. That way I could change all the bad things.
Why the fuck am I talking about my feelings. No one cares. Subject change time.
Nick said when he gets paid, he would buy Terraria for me. I told him not to, but he insists that I would like it. That, and he wants me to multiplayer with him lol. Omegle has been fruitful. I haven't found trolls that I can joke with, like expected. But I found some genuinely nice people.
I wish Nick would hurry up and get online. I like talking to him. But I dislike hearing how he's sad because of Katherine (as with Ezra and Terry sometimes). I tell him that I'm here if he needs to vent. And he does. As long as he feels better about getting it off his chest, it makes me happy. But I need him. I feel like crying again, and he's the only one that lends me his virtual shoulder to cry on. And says things that get my hopes up, or makes me laugh. We only live 25 minutes away from each other, but I wish he lived closer. Virtual shoulders are only comforting in theory. Nothing beats a real shoulder. With arms wrapped around you. A voice saying everything's going to be okay... ;_;
It's taken me like, forever to write this. I keep going back and forth to facebook. IMing Benjes, and Ian. And watching Regular Show. My stomach hurts. I don't remember the last time I ate anything. I haven't been sleeping well. I've become a helpless pathetic wreck. :/ Been this way for months now. Only at first, I pretended I was happy. But at least I have friends, a best friend, and a bestest friend in the whole wide world that care about me. At least enough to talk to me almost everyday. :)
I hate seeing rage comics that show girls being dumb bitches or ones that make girls look like selfish control freaks. Not because I'm a girl, but because I'm not like that and not all girls are. I'm not air-headed and conceited. I'm down-to-earth. I like video games and computer shit. I like playing in dirt. Hell, I feel like "bachelorette frog" half the time. :P
Thinking about maybe possibly considering getting something to eat,
-Elle
Been talking to Benjes. He's a really nice guy, but I can understand why he is the way he is. He and I have more in common than I originally thought.
Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much. Miss. Need. Want. Love. Everyone I know, I care about. I miss everyone. I wish I didn't feel. But I don't want to just bottle my feelings away, never to see the light of day. I don't know...
Nick.
That kid's always trying to cheer me up. He said he misses me, needs me, loves me. All in a no-bromo way. He says he's proud of me. And that I'm pretty. And smart, and clever. And funny, most days. It makes me happy, but it doesn't last long. I crave human contact. I need to see people face to face. I want to feel hugs. Not **hugs**. I want to feel needed. Wanted. Just in general. And I wish I could help people not hurt anymore. That's what I want most. I'm not a selfish person. Quite the opposite. But sometimes I just want to BELIEVE that I'm wanted or needed... or loved. Is that so much to ask?
Meh... I don't like feeling sad. Actually, I wouldn't call it sad, but I don't know what to call it. I like feeling happy. I used to feel happy. I don't like people worrying about me. But I don't want to pretend to be happy. I just want to BE happy. I wish I had a time machine. One that would actually work, instead of one that would just cause a space-time rip or infinite loop, like Ezra and I discussed long ago. That way I could change all the bad things.
Why the fuck am I talking about my feelings. No one cares. Subject change time.
Nick said when he gets paid, he would buy Terraria for me. I told him not to, but he insists that I would like it. That, and he wants me to multiplayer with him lol. Omegle has been fruitful. I haven't found trolls that I can joke with, like expected. But I found some genuinely nice people.
I wish Nick would hurry up and get online. I like talking to him. But I dislike hearing how he's sad because of Katherine (as with Ezra and Terry sometimes). I tell him that I'm here if he needs to vent. And he does. As long as he feels better about getting it off his chest, it makes me happy. But I need him. I feel like crying again, and he's the only one that lends me his virtual shoulder to cry on. And says things that get my hopes up, or makes me laugh. We only live 25 minutes away from each other, but I wish he lived closer. Virtual shoulders are only comforting in theory. Nothing beats a real shoulder. With arms wrapped around you. A voice saying everything's going to be okay... ;_;
It's taken me like, forever to write this. I keep going back and forth to facebook. IMing Benjes, and Ian. And watching Regular Show. My stomach hurts. I don't remember the last time I ate anything. I haven't been sleeping well. I've become a helpless pathetic wreck. :/ Been this way for months now. Only at first, I pretended I was happy. But at least I have friends, a best friend, and a bestest friend in the whole wide world that care about me. At least enough to talk to me almost everyday. :)
I hate seeing rage comics that show girls being dumb bitches or ones that make girls look like selfish control freaks. Not because I'm a girl, but because I'm not like that and not all girls are. I'm not air-headed and conceited. I'm down-to-earth. I like video games and computer shit. I like playing in dirt. Hell, I feel like "bachelorette frog" half the time. :P
Thinking about maybe possibly considering getting something to eat,
-Elle
16 May 2011
Interesting 12 hour talks.
1519 Monday 16 May 2011
I'm sure there's a song out there to describe it perfectly. But I can only find two that come even the slightest bit close. Anyway. Talked to Brodie last night about Slenderman, and a few other CreepyPastas. There are YouTube vid series we're both keeping up with. One is MarbleHornets (and ToTheArk), and the other is TribeTwelve. The acting and plot are okay, waiting to see where they go from here.
Talked to Terry a little. Not much to say there except there's something fun planned with Benjes involving cross-dressing.
Talked to Ian and Patrick again last night. Let's just say Patrick is jealous that me and Ian hung out by ourselves. He's his best friend, I've only known him 2 weeks, and I guess that's against bro code. Whatever. I only honor bro code for those that I deem worthy. The three of us saw Thor for free when it came out (Pat works at the theater and can do free showings). I think we're going to see Priest soon too? Meh. I don't like tons of attention and they shower me with it. I mean, I appreciate it. I just wish they'd stop staring at me. :/
Ezra.
Because everyone knows I can't write a blog post without mentioning him.
We talked about video games, IT specialists, Google, Portal 2, scary/horror stories and movies, Minecraft, memes, the zoo, Rapture hoax and religion, music we like (metal and dubstep) and why some songs don't meet our criteria/standards for "epic," Ed Ed and Eddy, and a "brief" discussion of the theory of the multiverse.
I'm glad our conversations aren't boring. I hate talking to people I barely have anything in common with.
Me? I didn't sleep last night. And I really don't feel like sleeping right now either. I probably should, but... mmmmyeah I should probably sleep. So far this morning I've been singing, swept the kitchen, vacuumed and dusted in the living room, and now I'm "relaxing" on my bed listening to songs that only make me feel worse. Although... I am feeling a lot better than I have been in weeks (mentally). Was talking to Nick and Dane, but everyone went offline on me. Nick is good for venting, and Dane is a good confidence booster. :)
Watching Courage the Cowardly Dog... Somehow hungry after eating 12 rolls of Smarties, half a (long) can of Pringles, and three of those chocolate "Sweet Sixteen" miniature doughnuts. I felt a little sick, but now I just feel... Sugar crash, maybe? My eyes are getting tired. Meh... Maybe I'll succumb to a deep slumber, filled with alternate realities. I'll probably get woken up. By a call, or text. Or mom.
I don't know what else to say...
-Elle
P.S. I've been awake for 28 hours. I finally lay down and close my eyes, when mom gets home. She made me make cheesecake, make tea, wash four potatoes, and wash a few dishes. I can't catch a break. But I'm a selfless person. I please people that matter to me. I'll stay up all night and talk to my best friend in the whole world and then turn around and do whatever mom throws at me. Fuck sleep. I'm not beautiful, so it's not like I need it anyway.
P.P.S. Was going to go to sleep, but Nick got back online. Talking to him now. Stomach is rumbling. Might as well just stay up.
I'm sure there's a song out there to describe it perfectly. But I can only find two that come even the slightest bit close. Anyway. Talked to Brodie last night about Slenderman, and a few other CreepyPastas. There are YouTube vid series we're both keeping up with. One is MarbleHornets (and ToTheArk), and the other is TribeTwelve. The acting and plot are okay, waiting to see where they go from here.
Talked to Terry a little. Not much to say there except there's something fun planned with Benjes involving cross-dressing.
Talked to Ian and Patrick again last night. Let's just say Patrick is jealous that me and Ian hung out by ourselves. He's his best friend, I've only known him 2 weeks, and I guess that's against bro code. Whatever. I only honor bro code for those that I deem worthy. The three of us saw Thor for free when it came out (Pat works at the theater and can do free showings). I think we're going to see Priest soon too? Meh. I don't like tons of attention and they shower me with it. I mean, I appreciate it. I just wish they'd stop staring at me. :/
Ezra.
Because everyone knows I can't write a blog post without mentioning him.
We talked about video games, IT specialists, Google, Portal 2, scary/horror stories and movies, Minecraft, memes, the zoo, Rapture hoax and religion, music we like (metal and dubstep) and why some songs don't meet our criteria/standards for "epic," Ed Ed and Eddy, and a "brief" discussion of the theory of the multiverse.
I'm glad our conversations aren't boring. I hate talking to people I barely have anything in common with.
Me? I didn't sleep last night. And I really don't feel like sleeping right now either. I probably should, but... mmmmyeah I should probably sleep. So far this morning I've been singing, swept the kitchen, vacuumed and dusted in the living room, and now I'm "relaxing" on my bed listening to songs that only make me feel worse. Although... I am feeling a lot better than I have been in weeks (mentally). Was talking to Nick and Dane, but everyone went offline on me. Nick is good for venting, and Dane is a good confidence booster. :)
Watching Courage the Cowardly Dog... Somehow hungry after eating 12 rolls of Smarties, half a (long) can of Pringles, and three of those chocolate "Sweet Sixteen" miniature doughnuts. I felt a little sick, but now I just feel... Sugar crash, maybe? My eyes are getting tired. Meh... Maybe I'll succumb to a deep slumber, filled with alternate realities. I'll probably get woken up. By a call, or text. Or mom.
I don't know what else to say...
-Elle
P.S. I've been awake for 28 hours. I finally lay down and close my eyes, when mom gets home. She made me make cheesecake, make tea, wash four potatoes, and wash a few dishes. I can't catch a break. But I'm a selfless person. I please people that matter to me. I'll stay up all night and talk to my best friend in the whole world and then turn around and do whatever mom throws at me. Fuck sleep. I'm not beautiful, so it's not like I need it anyway.
P.P.S. Was going to go to sleep, but Nick got back online. Talking to him now. Stomach is rumbling. Might as well just stay up.
10 May 2011
And boom goes the dynamite.
1637 Tuesday 10 May 2011
So last night was fun. Me and Patrick went to Ian's apartment to play Brink (which came out at midnight). It's really not my thing, first person shooters. So I played a little Minecraft, surfed a little FunnyJunk, and chatted with Ezra until like six in the morning. I wanted to get offline. I was tired. Ended up staying awake until nine, watching TV. Top Gear was on, so we watched that. I like Ian, he's cool. And funny. And not bad looking either. Insert 2nd grade "Elle and Ian, sitting in a tree" here lol. But nah, it's not like that. He's like Ezra is to me. A friend. A bro. And they both troll me. Ian's not as bad though, he ends up smiling and gives it away. ;) Anyway, Patrick said we're hitting it off well for people that only met a week ago (and the three of us have only hung out 3 times). I was the same with Ezra. I guess I know a good friend when I see one. ^_^
I am in love with Portal 2's "Want You Gone." I cannot stop listening to it. Ezra is right, GLaDOS's voice is intoxicating. Speaking of which, can't go to his house Friday, as Nick has to work and couldn't get it off. So I'll definitely be there next week. He finds out on Saturday what days he's got off. Just seems like whenever I choose a specific day, it never goes as planned. Oh well, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," I guess.
I thought I was going to say something else, but I don't remember. If I do I'll make another post or something.
Food time,
-Elle
So last night was fun. Me and Patrick went to Ian's apartment to play Brink (which came out at midnight). It's really not my thing, first person shooters. So I played a little Minecraft, surfed a little FunnyJunk, and chatted with Ezra until like six in the morning. I wanted to get offline. I was tired. Ended up staying awake until nine, watching TV. Top Gear was on, so we watched that. I like Ian, he's cool. And funny. And not bad looking either. Insert 2nd grade "Elle and Ian, sitting in a tree" here lol. But nah, it's not like that. He's like Ezra is to me. A friend. A bro. And they both troll me. Ian's not as bad though, he ends up smiling and gives it away. ;) Anyway, Patrick said we're hitting it off well for people that only met a week ago (and the three of us have only hung out 3 times). I was the same with Ezra. I guess I know a good friend when I see one. ^_^
I am in love with Portal 2's "Want You Gone." I cannot stop listening to it. Ezra is right, GLaDOS's voice is intoxicating. Speaking of which, can't go to his house Friday, as Nick has to work and couldn't get it off. So I'll definitely be there next week. He finds out on Saturday what days he's got off. Just seems like whenever I choose a specific day, it never goes as planned. Oh well, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," I guess.
I thought I was going to say something else, but I don't remember. If I do I'll make another post or something.
Food time,
-Elle
09 May 2011
I'm going to legit write in this thing today.
1533 Monday 9 May 2011
I'm not fed up with Terry, I just don't want to talk about what I'm fed up with. I'm not going to share everything with everybody. I have trust issues I suppose. Not as bad as others, but they're still there. I mean, yeah, I would love to be able to tell the world. But I can't. Because the information could fall into the wrong hands and destroy everything I hold close to me. No, it's not that bad lol. It's just that Nick understands what I'm going through because he's been there before, that's why I told him. Like I told Shawn about my statuses, If you read what I post please don't assume that it's about you. It's not.
I've been nothing but stressed these past few weeks. With emotions, and school stuff, and financial aid, and Sudo getting sick, and mom on my case about every little thing. I need to release it. I thought posting a blog full of handwritten (not copypasta) "fucks" would help. But it caused nothing but pain. And I'm sorry that it hurt the people I care about. I hope this is a good enough apology. :(
On a good note, Nick is taking me to see Ezra (and Terry) this Friday. It's good because I miss Ezra, and I really want to meet Terry. Maybe Benjes will be there, I dunno. I just don't want to feel like a 3rd/5th wheel. :/ Hopefully I'll get to play Portal 2 co-op with Ezra at least once while I'm there. He said he got a second controller so Terry could play.
I'm going to my high school (West Stokes) tomorrow to get my transcript, and then taking a trip to Surry C.C. To take a "tour" and talk to someone in the office. I have questions. I love WCU, it just had too many distractions. I'll go back eventually.
I'm making a fully-furnished, two-story, three bedroom, two bathroom house with a kitchen, dining room, living room, and foyer (with closet). It's got a covered front porch too. I'm only half done with the first floor. I was going to play last night but I got distracted by FunnyJunk. Lol, oh well.
I have no idea what I'm doing today, but I suppose I'll start with taking a shower.
Later,
-Elle
I'm not fed up with Terry, I just don't want to talk about what I'm fed up with. I'm not going to share everything with everybody. I have trust issues I suppose. Not as bad as others, but they're still there. I mean, yeah, I would love to be able to tell the world. But I can't. Because the information could fall into the wrong hands and destroy everything I hold close to me. No, it's not that bad lol. It's just that Nick understands what I'm going through because he's been there before, that's why I told him. Like I told Shawn about my statuses, If you read what I post please don't assume that it's about you. It's not.
I've been nothing but stressed these past few weeks. With emotions, and school stuff, and financial aid, and Sudo getting sick, and mom on my case about every little thing. I need to release it. I thought posting a blog full of handwritten (not copypasta) "fucks" would help. But it caused nothing but pain. And I'm sorry that it hurt the people I care about. I hope this is a good enough apology. :(
On a good note, Nick is taking me to see Ezra (and Terry) this Friday. It's good because I miss Ezra, and I really want to meet Terry. Maybe Benjes will be there, I dunno. I just don't want to feel like a 3rd/5th wheel. :/ Hopefully I'll get to play Portal 2 co-op with Ezra at least once while I'm there. He said he got a second controller so Terry could play.
I'm going to my high school (West Stokes) tomorrow to get my transcript, and then taking a trip to Surry C.C. To take a "tour" and talk to someone in the office. I have questions. I love WCU, it just had too many distractions. I'll go back eventually.
I'm making a fully-furnished, two-story, three bedroom, two bathroom house with a kitchen, dining room, living room, and foyer (with closet). It's got a covered front porch too. I'm only half done with the first floor. I was going to play last night but I got distracted by FunnyJunk. Lol, oh well.
I have no idea what I'm doing today, but I suppose I'll start with taking a shower.
Later,
-Elle
08 May 2011
FUCK.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I'm getting tired of this shit. Nick knows what I'm talking about. Because he cares. Shout out to him. Bro love.
I'm getting tired of this shit. Nick knows what I'm talking about. Because he cares. Shout out to him. Bro love.
07 May 2011
Draw my thing.
Best game ever. So funny.
Nick is taking me to see Ezra. I guess on Friday because that's what Terry wants.
I beat Portal 2 on Wednesday. Fun.
Not going back to Western, CSC at Surry. Less distractions.
Headache,
-Elle
Nick is taking me to see Ezra. I guess on Friday because that's what Terry wants.
I beat Portal 2 on Wednesday. Fun.
Not going back to Western, CSC at Surry. Less distractions.
Headache,
-Elle
30 April 2011
Crap nuggets.
Okay so me and Ezra were playing around last night over IM and when he mentioned that Terry was asleep and snoring, I suggested he draw a penis on her face (as a joke, I didn't think he'd go through with it, honestly. But then again, it's Ezra so of course he did). After I said it, I added that he shouldn't do it, because she'd get mad. Ezra got "excited" and did it anyway, but before he could wash it off, she woke up and got mad at him. Terry (same with Shawn) doesn't share the same sense of humor we do. It's a childish humor, but it's still funny to us. Doesn't take much to make us laugh, especially at others' disposal. Too much 4chan. Anyway, I told him to tell her that it was my fault, but I don't think it worked. He said "I just wanted to make her laugh." And now he's sad. I told him he shouldn't be, but he said all he wants is to make Terry happy ("I'm happy when she's happy. And I don't make her happy. So I need to stop making her not happy. And the only way I can think to not do that is by not doing what I think is funny."). He pretty much said he "wants" to be sad, if it makes her happy. I told him to stop downing himself. He deserves to be happy, they BOTH do. Regardless of differences in humor/maturity. I love and care about them both...
Logic: Ezra funny=Terry mad/sad. Terry mad=Ezra sad. Ezra no funny=Ezra sad/Terry happy. Ezra sad=Terry happy? I'm confused...
Terry, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. It was all my fault, and I take all the blame. I can understand if you don't want to talk to me. But I love you anyway. Always. :(
Ezra, I know you're not reading this, but I'm going to say it anyway. Be happy. Much love bro.
Maybe psychology isn't my forte,
-Elle
Logic: Ezra funny=Terry mad/sad. Terry mad=Ezra sad. Ezra no funny=Ezra sad/Terry happy. Ezra sad=Terry happy? I'm confused...
Terry, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. It was all my fault, and I take all the blame. I can understand if you don't want to talk to me. But I love you anyway. Always. :(
Ezra, I know you're not reading this, but I'm going to say it anyway. Be happy. Much love bro.
Maybe psychology isn't my forte,
-Elle
27 April 2011
Terry thinks I'm mad at her...
I'm not. Really. :)
2001 Wednesday 27 April 2001
Pissed at mom. Everytime I try to make plans to see Terry and Ezra, she says okay. But the closer it gets to the day, she changes her mind. Fuck her shit. Fuckin' hypocrite. I don't know when I'm coming over. I'm tired of this. There's no way I can drive myself, and no one else can take me (especially Shawn. Fuck that. One, it will only cause drama. Two, he told me never to ask him to chauffeur me around ever again.)
I'm so sorry guys. :'(
-Elle
2001 Wednesday 27 April 2001
Pissed at mom. Everytime I try to make plans to see Terry and Ezra, she says okay. But the closer it gets to the day, she changes her mind. Fuck her shit. Fuckin' hypocrite. I don't know when I'm coming over. I'm tired of this. There's no way I can drive myself, and no one else can take me (especially Shawn. Fuck that. One, it will only cause drama. Two, he told me never to ask him to chauffeur me around ever again.)
I'm so sorry guys. :'(
-Elle
26 April 2011
Stupid memes.
2209 Tuesday 26 April 2011
Yes I know. Woo. Hipster meme. I'm just not in the mood. It's not you it's me. I thought it was cute. It's a costume, like my nautical outfit. I don't do that everyday, I could understand if I did. Then you can torment me.
Sorry... I'm going to catch myself right now. I'm over-reacting. Just need to vent. I'm not angry. It's not even that bad. It was kinda funny, but the fact that I expected it made me angry. Not at the person that said it, but at the Internet.
Anyway. I don't know what else to say. Hopefully going to see Ezra this week...
-Elle
Yes I know. Woo. Hipster meme. I'm just not in the mood. It's not you it's me. I thought it was cute. It's a costume, like my nautical outfit. I don't do that everyday, I could understand if I did. Then you can torment me.
Sorry... I'm going to catch myself right now. I'm over-reacting. Just need to vent. I'm not angry. It's not even that bad. It was kinda funny, but the fact that I expected it made me angry. Not at the person that said it, but at the Internet.
Anyway. I don't know what else to say. Hopefully going to see Ezra this week...
-Elle
24 April 2011
Insidious.
425 Sunday 24 April 2011
Ty is here. We went to watch Insidious. It was good. Yesterday was the worst, but I'm not going into detail. Today is better. Hopefully tomorrow is even better. Going to see Shawn maybe, and then minecraft later. Oh, by the way... Bacardi and coke tastes disgusting. Never trying that one again lol.
Watching Kootra's Portal 2 videos... Kinda tired.
Goodnight everyone,
-Elle
Ty is here. We went to watch Insidious. It was good. Yesterday was the worst, but I'm not going into detail. Today is better. Hopefully tomorrow is even better. Going to see Shawn maybe, and then minecraft later. Oh, by the way... Bacardi and coke tastes disgusting. Never trying that one again lol.
Watching Kootra's Portal 2 videos... Kinda tired.
Goodnight everyone,
-Elle
20 April 2011
Son, I am disappoint.
245 Wednesday 20 April 2011
So, my mom has to take her boyfriend to the doctor on Thursday and I won't be able to see Ezra (or Terry), but she said she will take me next week. Ty is coming over this weekend. We're going to play piano and flute duets because we're cool like that, and going to see Insidious. I'm so excited. Giving Ezra my old computer speakers because I don't use them anymore. I need to trim my hair, just the ends so they don't look fried. I'm watching the Ed, Edd, and Eddy movie on YouTube.
Kinda tired,
-Elle
So, my mom has to take her boyfriend to the doctor on Thursday and I won't be able to see Ezra (or Terry), but she said she will take me next week. Ty is coming over this weekend. We're going to play piano and flute duets because we're cool like that, and going to see Insidious. I'm so excited. Giving Ezra my old computer speakers because I don't use them anymore. I need to trim my hair, just the ends so they don't look fried. I'm watching the Ed, Edd, and Eddy movie on YouTube.
Kinda tired,
-Elle
17 April 2011
I love that I hate you... I hate that I love you...
1538 Sunday 17 April 2011
It's my dad's birthday.
Shawn keeps snooping through my profiles (facebook, youtube, etc.) and it's pissing me off.
I'm so bored.
Can't wait to see Ezra and Ty soon. 4 more and 6 more days, respectively.
I'm hungry.
I don't know what to do or think anymore. My mind keeps changing. My feelings keep flipping. I see an opening and I want to take it, but I'm afraid of the consequences. Because something ALWAYS goes wrong. Nothing EVER goes the way I plan it to. So I don't take that opening... And it hurts sometimes. What if... I hate what if.
Still don't know what to do about Shawn yet. We keep hanging out. He seems happier. He seems like less of a dick. But like Ezra said, that's what he wants you to think.
I want to talk to Terry.
Later,
-Elle
It's my dad's birthday.
Shawn keeps snooping through my profiles (facebook, youtube, etc.) and it's pissing me off.
I'm so bored.
Can't wait to see Ezra and Ty soon. 4 more and 6 more days, respectively.
I'm hungry.
I don't know what to do or think anymore. My mind keeps changing. My feelings keep flipping. I see an opening and I want to take it, but I'm afraid of the consequences. Because something ALWAYS goes wrong. Nothing EVER goes the way I plan it to. So I don't take that opening... And it hurts sometimes. What if... I hate what if.
Still don't know what to do about Shawn yet. We keep hanging out. He seems happier. He seems like less of a dick. But like Ezra said, that's what he wants you to think.
I want to talk to Terry.
Later,
-Elle
15 April 2011
My neck hurts.
1147 Friday 15 April 2011
Like the right side. I don't know how or why. It's the sternocleidomastoid muscle. Must've laid on it the wrong way. Went to sleep at 4ish, woke up at 7 to take my meds (Ciprofloxacin) and went back to sleep, and woke up again at 11ish. Feels like less sleep than it is. So tired...
Been doing fantastic. I bought Minecraft. Played with Nick and Ezra on multiplayer a few times. Been talking to Ezra and Ty a whole lot more. Going to visit Ez next week for his birthday, and Ty is coming to visit me next weekend. We're going to see Insidious. He's adorable :3
Helped Shawn with his truck yesterday. He wasn't in the best of moods. He said it seems like no matter how hard he tries, something always goes wrong. His car, his truck, his computer, his phone... I told him he still has ME... I hope he cheers up soon, no me gusta.
Gonna hop off of here. Hungry.
-Elle
Like the right side. I don't know how or why. It's the sternocleidomastoid muscle. Must've laid on it the wrong way. Went to sleep at 4ish, woke up at 7 to take my meds (Ciprofloxacin) and went back to sleep, and woke up again at 11ish. Feels like less sleep than it is. So tired...
Been doing fantastic. I bought Minecraft. Played with Nick and Ezra on multiplayer a few times. Been talking to Ezra and Ty a whole lot more. Going to visit Ez next week for his birthday, and Ty is coming to visit me next weekend. We're going to see Insidious. He's adorable :3
Helped Shawn with his truck yesterday. He wasn't in the best of moods. He said it seems like no matter how hard he tries, something always goes wrong. His car, his truck, his computer, his phone... I told him he still has ME... I hope he cheers up soon, no me gusta.
Gonna hop off of here. Hungry.
-Elle
09 April 2011
Haven't written in a while.
1523 Saturday 9 April 2011
In such a better mood nowadays. I don't know what it is. Been talking to Ty and Nick more. There was a point where I didn't talk to Ezra at all (I dunno why... just didn't have anything to say), but here lately we've been talking again. So glad, too. He said I made it to his "permanent contacts list" and that means he either enjoys taking to me "TO THE EXTREME" or we don't talk enough, and that makes him sad. Makes me sad too. :( I really like our conversations. I didn't want the distance to make us grow apart. I'm so glad the he's happy again. I hope he's having fun at home. I wish him and Terry the best, hopefully they don't fight as much now lol. Been talking to and hanging out with Shawn recently. He seems to have changed. But I'm not rushing. If he's the one, then so be it. But I don't want to get hurt again. Time will tell. :)
OH! Nick is setting up a server on Minecraft so he, Ezra and I (when I buy it, soon) can play multiplayer. :D Can't wait!
Suffering from a UTI. Suckage. Mom and I bought something called Azo, and cranberry pills. Been drinking gallons of water and cran-grape juice. Woke up and my kidney hurt but it seems to be feeling better now. Hope this goes away soon. I really don't want to have to go to the doctor to get an antibiotic, but I don't mind. As long as I get better. As long as it doesn't get worse. Lol'd when I read a blog that said that it's sometimes caused by "vigorous sexual activity." I know if you don't flush your bladder afterwards, you can get one. Guess that was my problem. :P Oh well, been feeling better already, so maybe it'll all be over within the next few days.
I am obsessed with making Minecraft skins. Been using a site called minersneedcoolshoes.com. I've already made 8 skins, and about to start on my 9th.
That's all for now,
-Elle <3
In such a better mood nowadays. I don't know what it is. Been talking to Ty and Nick more. There was a point where I didn't talk to Ezra at all (I dunno why... just didn't have anything to say), but here lately we've been talking again. So glad, too. He said I made it to his "permanent contacts list" and that means he either enjoys taking to me "TO THE EXTREME" or we don't talk enough, and that makes him sad. Makes me sad too. :( I really like our conversations. I didn't want the distance to make us grow apart. I'm so glad the he's happy again. I hope he's having fun at home. I wish him and Terry the best, hopefully they don't fight as much now lol. Been talking to and hanging out with Shawn recently. He seems to have changed. But I'm not rushing. If he's the one, then so be it. But I don't want to get hurt again. Time will tell. :)
OH! Nick is setting up a server on Minecraft so he, Ezra and I (when I buy it, soon) can play multiplayer. :D Can't wait!
Suffering from a UTI. Suckage. Mom and I bought something called Azo, and cranberry pills. Been drinking gallons of water and cran-grape juice. Woke up and my kidney hurt but it seems to be feeling better now. Hope this goes away soon. I really don't want to have to go to the doctor to get an antibiotic, but I don't mind. As long as I get better. As long as it doesn't get worse. Lol'd when I read a blog that said that it's sometimes caused by "vigorous sexual activity." I know if you don't flush your bladder afterwards, you can get one. Guess that was my problem. :P Oh well, been feeling better already, so maybe it'll all be over within the next few days.
I am obsessed with making Minecraft skins. Been using a site called minersneedcoolshoes.com. I've already made 8 skins, and about to start on my 9th.
That's all for now,
-Elle <3
01 April 2011
No one I care about reads this, unless I link it to them. So, I quit.
1242 Friday 1 April 2011
Why. Why do I do this? Why do I talk to Terry, or Ezra, or Ty? Because I believe they're my friends? I hardly talk to Ezra anymore because he's home/with Terry, and I don't want to distract him. I have nothing to say to him anymore. Same with Terry. What the fuck am I supposed to say to anyone? "Hey. What's up?" and then not get a response? I feel like it's my fault, that they don't respond. Like my conversation isn't worth responding to. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to move far away. Where no one can suffer having to talk to me anymore.
Dear Ezra,
I'm not abandoning you.
Dear Terry,
Have a nice life.
Dear Ty,
Thanks for everything.
Goodbye,
-Elle
Why. Why do I do this? Why do I talk to Terry, or Ezra, or Ty? Because I believe they're my friends? I hardly talk to Ezra anymore because he's home/with Terry, and I don't want to distract him. I have nothing to say to him anymore. Same with Terry. What the fuck am I supposed to say to anyone? "Hey. What's up?" and then not get a response? I feel like it's my fault, that they don't respond. Like my conversation isn't worth responding to. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to move far away. Where no one can suffer having to talk to me anymore.
Dear Ezra,
I'm not abandoning you.
Dear Terry,
Have a nice life.
Dear Ty,
Thanks for everything.
Goodbye,
-Elle
28 March 2011
Fuck.
1021 Monday 28 March 2011
Space from Shawn is harder than expected. Can't stop thinking about it. Why did I do this again? I know no one else wants me, and I know he does. So, why did I do this? Oh yeah, because Ezra and Nick thought it would be best. They said I would be happier without him, and that I should be more confident. But why? He's the only man I've ever truly loved, and vice versa. I don't know what to do... Wait until someone confesses their undying love for me, or get back with Shawn? Only time will tell I guess. I just don't want to get hurt again...
Been talking to Benjes, Terry's friend recently. He understands what I'm going through... He seems like a nice guy, but he says that girls don't like him. I have someone (third-party) to talk to about my problems now, without being judged.
Ty. Ty is the epitome of awesomesauce. 'Nuff said.
Haven't been talking to Ezra much, I don't know what to say to him anymore... I know he's at home and wants to hang with Terry. I don't want to interrupt that. Haven't been talking to Terry much either. She seems happier now that Ezra is home. That's good... Now, everytime I talk to either of them I feel like "Debbie-downer." Well, I'm so sorry for being lonely, and feeling like I have no one left... I didn't mean to rain on your parade... I guess I just won't say anything to either until they say something first. I don't want to waste their time, now that they're together (in person) again... I cry almost everyday, not necessarily about Shawn, but... I never wanted to feel like this again. Depressed... I know I should be happy that I am free from my cage, but these things take time... I'm sorry I can't move on so quickly. He was my life... My true love.
Things aren't going well... I thought things would go differently. That's just how my life goes I guess, always expecting the best and getting the worst.
I just want to feel wanted again... I want someone to say, "I love you, Elle. Come with me, I'll keep you safe. I'll protect you from harm. Forever."
I just want to be held... And be told that everything will be okay... I want to be wrapped up safely in your arms.
I just want you to love me. I don't want to hurt anymore.
Space from Shawn is harder than expected. Can't stop thinking about it. Why did I do this again? I know no one else wants me, and I know he does. So, why did I do this? Oh yeah, because Ezra and Nick thought it would be best. They said I would be happier without him, and that I should be more confident. But why? He's the only man I've ever truly loved, and vice versa. I don't know what to do... Wait until someone confesses their undying love for me, or get back with Shawn? Only time will tell I guess. I just don't want to get hurt again...
Been talking to Benjes, Terry's friend recently. He understands what I'm going through... He seems like a nice guy, but he says that girls don't like him. I have someone (third-party) to talk to about my problems now, without being judged.
Ty. Ty is the epitome of awesomesauce. 'Nuff said.
Haven't been talking to Ezra much, I don't know what to say to him anymore... I know he's at home and wants to hang with Terry. I don't want to interrupt that. Haven't been talking to Terry much either. She seems happier now that Ezra is home. That's good... Now, everytime I talk to either of them I feel like "Debbie-downer." Well, I'm so sorry for being lonely, and feeling like I have no one left... I didn't mean to rain on your parade... I guess I just won't say anything to either until they say something first. I don't want to waste their time, now that they're together (in person) again... I cry almost everyday, not necessarily about Shawn, but... I never wanted to feel like this again. Depressed... I know I should be happy that I am free from my cage, but these things take time... I'm sorry I can't move on so quickly. He was my life... My true love.
Things aren't going well... I thought things would go differently. That's just how my life goes I guess, always expecting the best and getting the worst.
I just want to feel wanted again... I want someone to say, "I love you, Elle. Come with me, I'll keep you safe. I'll protect you from harm. Forever."
I just want to be held... And be told that everything will be okay... I want to be wrapped up safely in your arms.
I just want you to love me. I don't want to hurt anymore.
25 March 2011
Space.
2235 Friday 25 March 2011
I told Shawn that we needed space apart from each other. I finally took Ezra's advice.
I told Shawn that we needed space apart from each other. I finally took Ezra's advice.
I told him that he brings up my past, and I can't change it. I told him that I feel like shit for going to Western and having friends. I told him no matter how many times I tell him the truth, he never believes me. He blames me for everything (not going to a university, etc.)
I told him we need space apart.
And he sped off, after calling himself a piece of shit.
And he was actually trying to make it all my fault, like he always does.
Ezra was right. He IS a psychic vampire.
19 March 2011
I thought my life couldn't get any worse...
Ezra is leaving school.
He is going to work at Geek Squad...
It took a while, but I was okay with it.
Until now...
I don't want to lose my best friend. The best moments of my life were with him...
I don't want to never see him again...
I want to die... Now more than ever...
I told him how I felt, so I wouldn't regret not ever telling him:
"I know how you like to make jokes of everything, but please listen to me... You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. Knowing I have to live the rest of my life without ever seeing you again kills me. Kills me. No, I don't love you. But you are my bro. You always will be. I don't want to live without you."
But whatever he decides to do, I'll be happy for him. And I can only hope that we'll keep in touch.
He is going to work at Geek Squad...
It took a while, but I was okay with it.
Until now...
So I'll never see you again?
I don't want to lose my best friend. The best moments of my life were with him...
I don't want to never see him again...
I want to die... Now more than ever...
I told him how I felt, so I wouldn't regret not ever telling him:
"I know how you like to make jokes of everything, but please listen to me... You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. Knowing I have to live the rest of my life without ever seeing you again kills me. Kills me. No, I don't love you. But you are my bro. You always will be. I don't want to live without you."
But whatever he decides to do, I'll be happy for him. And I can only hope that we'll keep in touch.
Ezra is the most helpful mofo I've ever met. Seriously. But I still don't know what to do...
Hey Ezra.
Yes?
I dunno. Just wanted to say hey.
I just got home.
I think I was having Internet withdrawals.
It happens.
I never knew I would get that bad. Where all I want to be is on the Internet.
I was out driving with Shawn, and all I wanted to do was go home and get on my computer.
Damn.
Hey, Ezra?
Yes?
I just wanted to apologize again for all those times I've hurt you, but I thank you for taking me back. You didn't deserve to be hurt, and I didn't deserve to be taken back. But you did. Thank you for being my best friend, and being there for me.
I'm sorry... Thank you for forgiving me.
Also, I don't know if you know this, but you saved my life. I was so sad before I met you. I never had any good friends, I never thought anybody cared about me. (Besides Shawn.) I just wanted to give up. But when I met you everything changed. I had a reason to live again.
Just thought I'd let you know. You're my bro and I don't want to lose you ever again.
When I say "Shawn" what is the first thing that pops into your head?
Hmm..
I don't know.
I said first.
The first thing I saw was his face.
And then?
Nothing.
No flashbacks, no memories.
Just his face.
That's why I said "I don't know."
It's your brain.
What did you think?
What did you feel?
I thought of the things we've done over the past 5 years.
The good and the bad.
I don't know how I felt.
It felt like a trailer for a movie.
Okay, so this is thinking over time.
What's your knee jerk reaction to the name Shawn.
Well, yesterday when I heard it in the trailer for Source Code, I cringed a little.
But I thought it was because I don't really hear his name much in movies and wasn't used to it.
I mean I love him.
Stop.
He told me today that he wanted to get married before 12/21/2012, and my brain was like "NO."
If you have to make up excuses, then you know it's not true.
I'm not ready to get married. I don't know if that's just because of him or that I'm just not ready to settle down yet.
They're the same thing.
Whether it me marrying Shawn or getting married in general, is what I mean.
If you are not ready to settle down, then it is because the person you are with is not the person you want to settle down with. If it's him, then it's him.
The two things are not separate items.
So either way, it's him.
Essentially yes.
You have to think of it like a grocery store.
I thought he was "the one." I've thought that for years.
Would you want to buy marriage without buying the want to settle down?
No, I suppose not.
But I just don't think it's time yet. I'm not ready.
In general, to anyone.
Not ready for what?
Marriage, settling down.
Procreating.
"Cold feet."
Second thoughts?
Marriage is immediate procreation?
No.
Just because you're married you can't use contraceptives?
But it's all happening too fast.
That's not what I meant.
I meant over time.
What you're assuming is that the distance between steps is equal.
Or rather, constant.
I'm saying I don't want to be married.
Not right now.
X=1 year Y=6 years Z=15 years.
I don't know if ever.
Why?
I don't know if I want to be with him for the rest of my life.
Marriage changes nothing but your last name and your marriage status.
There it is.
I mean, I love being with him, and the thought of it was amazing, but...
Seems like a black hole.
So, when I say the name shawn, what comes to mind?
The reason I ask is because I feel that you're not in love with him what so ever.
I feel that too.
It's extremely tough for the mind to differentiate between love and prideful fear.
"I love him, but I'm not in love with him"?
I like that.
(The thought of being out of love is so painful to one's pride, the brain almost forces it.)
"Prideful fear."
Yes.
That's what I felt towards my last girlfriend.
And once it becomes that, it's EXTREMELY hard to get rid of
Truthfully, I still feel it.
And it's been nearly 4 years.
I don't want to leave him. I can't.
But, she was my first love.
My heart won't let me.
You need to stop thinking of your heart as a physical representation of your emotions.
Your heart doesn't think.
My brain won't let me.
Wrong again.
Your drugs won't let you.
What-ever-controls-emotions won't let me.
What you "feel" feels good, right?
I don't really know...
Part of it does, part doesn't
This is nothing but your addiction to Oxytocin.
The drug that promotes monogomy.
?
Created by your brain during moments of "attachment"
Oh.
Okay, then yeah.
Same reason it's hard to get rid of personal items.
Sentimental value.
Because when you see that item, your brain pumps out Oxytocin like nobodies business.
Yeah
So that's all your relationship is right now.
A series of withdrawal syndromes.
Otherwise you'd also have dopamine, saratonin, all kinds of other drugs.
And you wouldn't have these feelings.
Your brain would suppress them so much so that the drugs would simply become truth.
True.
Leave him Elle.
:(
Do it.
I can't... My addiction to Oxytocin won't let me... I see into his eyes or feel his skin and never want to live without him...
Or that's what it wants me to think.
I don't want to feel forever alone...
But then...
I've been in this relationship so long that I wouldn't know what to do.
With him I feel stable.
Like I have a set future.
That I won't have to worry.
You have 70+ years left.
If I leave him I don't think I could ever have him back, if I wanted to.
Over 25,000 days.
Life's too short.
25,000 days?
Yeah. That feels really short.
600,000 hours?
Ticking away...
36 million minutes?
I now have the feeling like I'm running out of time...
Seeing both scenarios I feel like I would be happy with and without him...
I thought he was the one I was supposed to be with for life. And if I lose that I won't ever get it back. I guess it's a little-girls psychology.
What I grew up with.
What I'm used to.
what I was told
How I was raised.
I know I should... Something won't let me...
I wish my brain would let me agree with you and just do it.
"But then..." what?
Thanks... for helping me understand my retarded emotions.
Yes?
I dunno. Just wanted to say hey.
I just got home.
I think I was having Internet withdrawals.
It happens.
I never knew I would get that bad. Where all I want to be is on the Internet.
I was out driving with Shawn, and all I wanted to do was go home and get on my computer.
Damn.
Hey, Ezra?
Yes?
I just wanted to apologize again for all those times I've hurt you, but I thank you for taking me back. You didn't deserve to be hurt, and I didn't deserve to be taken back. But you did. Thank you for being my best friend, and being there for me.
I'm sorry... Thank you for forgiving me.
Also, I don't know if you know this, but you saved my life. I was so sad before I met you. I never had any good friends, I never thought anybody cared about me. (Besides Shawn.) I just wanted to give up. But when I met you everything changed. I had a reason to live again.
Just thought I'd let you know. You're my bro and I don't want to lose you ever again.
When I say "Shawn" what is the first thing that pops into your head?
Hmm..
I don't know.
I said first.
The first thing I saw was his face.
And then?
Nothing.
No flashbacks, no memories.
Just his face.
That's why I said "I don't know."
It's your brain.
What did you think?
What did you feel?
I thought of the things we've done over the past 5 years.
The good and the bad.
I don't know how I felt.
It felt like a trailer for a movie.
Okay, so this is thinking over time.
What's your knee jerk reaction to the name Shawn.
Well, yesterday when I heard it in the trailer for Source Code, I cringed a little.
But I thought it was because I don't really hear his name much in movies and wasn't used to it.
I mean I love him.
Stop.
He told me today that he wanted to get married before 12/21/2012, and my brain was like "NO."
If you have to make up excuses, then you know it's not true.
I'm not ready to get married. I don't know if that's just because of him or that I'm just not ready to settle down yet.
They're the same thing.
Whether it me marrying Shawn or getting married in general, is what I mean.
If you are not ready to settle down, then it is because the person you are with is not the person you want to settle down with. If it's him, then it's him.
The two things are not separate items.
So either way, it's him.
Essentially yes.
You have to think of it like a grocery store.
I thought he was "the one." I've thought that for years.
Would you want to buy marriage without buying the want to settle down?
No, I suppose not.
But I just don't think it's time yet. I'm not ready.
In general, to anyone.
Not ready for what?
Marriage, settling down.
Procreating.
"Cold feet."
Second thoughts?
Marriage is immediate procreation?
No.
Just because you're married you can't use contraceptives?
But it's all happening too fast.
That's not what I meant.
I meant over time.
What you're assuming is that the distance between steps is equal.
Or rather, constant.
I'm saying I don't want to be married.
Not right now.
X=1 year Y=6 years Z=15 years.
I don't know if ever.
Why?
I don't know if I want to be with him for the rest of my life.
Marriage changes nothing but your last name and your marriage status.
There it is.
I mean, I love being with him, and the thought of it was amazing, but...
Seems like a black hole.
So, when I say the name shawn, what comes to mind?
The reason I ask is because I feel that you're not in love with him what so ever.
I feel that too.
It's extremely tough for the mind to differentiate between love and prideful fear.
"I love him, but I'm not in love with him"?
I like that.
(The thought of being out of love is so painful to one's pride, the brain almost forces it.)
"Prideful fear."
Yes.
That's what I felt towards my last girlfriend.
And once it becomes that, it's EXTREMELY hard to get rid of
Truthfully, I still feel it.
And it's been nearly 4 years.
I don't want to leave him. I can't.
But, she was my first love.
My heart won't let me.
You need to stop thinking of your heart as a physical representation of your emotions.
Your heart doesn't think.
My brain won't let me.
Wrong again.
Your drugs won't let you.
What-ever-controls-emotions won't let me.
What you "feel" feels good, right?
I don't really know...
Part of it does, part doesn't
This is nothing but your addiction to Oxytocin.
The drug that promotes monogomy.
?
Created by your brain during moments of "attachment"
Oh.
Okay, then yeah.
Same reason it's hard to get rid of personal items.
Sentimental value.
Because when you see that item, your brain pumps out Oxytocin like nobodies business.
Yeah
So that's all your relationship is right now.
A series of withdrawal syndromes.
Otherwise you'd also have dopamine, saratonin, all kinds of other drugs.
And you wouldn't have these feelings.
Your brain would suppress them so much so that the drugs would simply become truth.
True.
Leave him Elle.
:(
Do it.
I can't... My addiction to Oxytocin won't let me... I see into his eyes or feel his skin and never want to live without him...
Or that's what it wants me to think.
I don't want to feel forever alone...
But then...
I've been in this relationship so long that I wouldn't know what to do.
With him I feel stable.
Like I have a set future.
That I won't have to worry.
You have 70+ years left.
If I leave him I don't think I could ever have him back, if I wanted to.
Over 25,000 days.
Life's too short.
25,000 days?
Yeah. That feels really short.
600,000 hours?
Ticking away...
36 million minutes?
I now have the feeling like I'm running out of time...
Seeing both scenarios I feel like I would be happy with and without him...
I thought he was the one I was supposed to be with for life. And if I lose that I won't ever get it back. I guess it's a little-girls psychology.
What I grew up with.
What I'm used to.
what I was told
How I was raised.
I know I should... Something won't let me...
I wish my brain would let me agree with you and just do it.
"But then..." what?
Thanks... for helping me understand my retarded emotions.
18 March 2011
Please Kill Me
I accidentally pissed of one of my closest friends.
I didn't mean to hurt her.
And now I'm hurting.
I've been crying on and off ever since the conversation last night.
I can't stop crying.
I never tried to hurt her.
I've been depressed all this week
But nothing compared to what I felt last night.
I am so sorry.
I want to die.
I want to erase all the bad things I've ever done.
I never wanted us to fight.
I never wanted to lose you.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
I didn't mean to hurt her.
And now I'm hurting.
I've been crying on and off ever since the conversation last night.
I can't stop crying.
I never tried to hurt her.
I've been depressed all this week
But nothing compared to what I felt last night.
I am so sorry.
I want to die.
I want to erase all the bad things I've ever done.
I never wanted us to fight.
I never wanted to lose you.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
17 March 2011
Insert Title Here
Background story: Will got arrested because he got caught driving with no license or insurance. He has a curfew, 2200 on weeknights/midnight on weekends. If he's not here a minute after, I get to call mom, and he goes to jail. She paid me to be her snitch.
Okay so Shawn thinks I took money to not hang out with him. I explained the above to him, but apparently he doesn't understand. He can still come over, and I can still go visit him. There was no rule against it, but he doesn't understand that either. He says he doesn't want to hang here because there's "nothing to do, " but I'm tired of hanging out at his house ALL the time. He never listens to me.
Terry said "Does he really think that you two are going to be around each other every waking hour of the day? Cause... you're not. And if he's going to break up with you: don't give him the satisfaction. You do it first." and Ezra said:
Okay so Shawn thinks I took money to not hang out with him. I explained the above to him, but apparently he doesn't understand. He can still come over, and I can still go visit him. There was no rule against it, but he doesn't understand that either. He says he doesn't want to hang here because there's "nothing to do, " but I'm tired of hanging out at his house ALL the time. He never listens to me.
Terry said "Does he really think that you two are going to be around each other every waking hour of the day? Cause... you're not. And if he's going to break up with you: don't give him the satisfaction. You do it first." and Ezra said:
Yes.
Do it first.
sudo apt-get install fishfood
0633 Thursday 17 March 2011
Why am I still writing in this? Only one person reads it, maybe two. Terry and Nick...
Shawn and I went to go get my fish today. A black moor fancy goldfish. I think it's male, not sure. I named him "Sudo" with the help of Nick, Ezra, and Terry (I also liked Linux, Wifi, Sudo, Pixel, Digit, Qwerty, and Ascii). Then he went back to his house. He looks depressed again and I don't really know why. We had a small fight the night before that we resolved, but he tends to let problems linger on his mind. And with him being introverted, he doesn't like discussing it.
I've been talking to Ezra again. Our conversations have gotten better. It doesn't feel forced like it did for the past few weeks. Feels good man. I feel a strong brotherly feeling whenever I talk to him or think about him. I've been loyal to him through good times and bad. I miss staying up all night with him making fun of people, or laughing about stupid shit on the Internet. I mean, I can still do that via IM, but there's nothing like being in person. He's a hilarious mother fucker lol. I'm glad he and I are so close. Bros 'til death! Haha... I leave him random comments/texts/IMs, just to try to brighten his day. The little things, ya know? I know I'd like it, I figure it would make him smile. If even for a few seconds, on the inside. I think he needs that... He deserves to be happy. ALL the time. I'm glad I can try to be there for him when he's lonely or sad. I mean, what can I say? He's like a little brother to me, I want to protect him from the atrocities of the world. I know I can't, but I can sure as hell try. I love ya, bro. And I'll always be here if/when you need me. Until the day I die. If you're reading this (which I know you're probably not) I just wanted to let you know. Oh well, he knows it already I'm sure. I tell him all the time :) I guess it's just in my psychological nature to get feedback. Someone to tell me "Hey, thanks for being there for me" or "I appreciate everything you do" ...or "I'm proud of you." It's okay that he doesn't give feedback. I know that he knows. I know how he feels. So, it's all good lol.
Makes me sad he wants to leave WCU, maybe indefinitely. I want him to be happy, whatever he decides to do. But I don't want to miss him anymore... I know that's probably selfish of me, but he's the closest friend I've ever had in my life. I'm blessed to have met him. The stars must have been aligned that day. Who knew that we'd end up sharing this? We've grown together. He's changed me in ways I can't even find words to explain, and I thank him everyday for it.
Talked to Ty until 0210. He's really cool, and laid-back. I'm glad Terry "introduced" us.
Terry hasn't been on chat. I think it's because she didn't want to stay up all night again. I feel somewhat responsible. I mean I talk to her practically all day and all night. We both end up forgetting that she has to get up early for school. I want her to be happy too... with everything. She doesn't deserve having to deal with everyone else's problems on top of her own. That's too much for a young teenager to handle.
Still talking to Ezra, I mean he's online but the last thing he said was at 0523, so bid him farewell. Told him to have a good day in class. I can't go to sleep until I make sure my brother gets on the bus. Getting a little tired. Oh, and I decided I wasn't going to eat fast food or drink soda anymore, and also that I would exercise more. Like for reals this time. I know I'm not "fat." I'm actually at a healthy weight for my age and height. I just have pudge that I don't want to get out of control, is all. It can easily keep growing and growing if I let it, and I don't want that to happen.
Happy St. Patrick's Day,
-Elle
Why am I still writing in this? Only one person reads it, maybe two. Terry and Nick...
Shawn and I went to go get my fish today. A black moor fancy goldfish. I think it's male, not sure. I named him "Sudo" with the help of Nick, Ezra, and Terry (I also liked Linux, Wifi, Sudo, Pixel, Digit, Qwerty, and Ascii). Then he went back to his house. He looks depressed again and I don't really know why. We had a small fight the night before that we resolved, but he tends to let problems linger on his mind. And with him being introverted, he doesn't like discussing it.
I've been talking to Ezra again. Our conversations have gotten better. It doesn't feel forced like it did for the past few weeks. Feels good man. I feel a strong brotherly feeling whenever I talk to him or think about him. I've been loyal to him through good times and bad. I miss staying up all night with him making fun of people, or laughing about stupid shit on the Internet. I mean, I can still do that via IM, but there's nothing like being in person. He's a hilarious mother fucker lol. I'm glad he and I are so close. Bros 'til death! Haha... I leave him random comments/texts/IMs, just to try to brighten his day. The little things, ya know? I know I'd like it, I figure it would make him smile. If even for a few seconds, on the inside. I think he needs that... He deserves to be happy. ALL the time. I'm glad I can try to be there for him when he's lonely or sad. I mean, what can I say? He's like a little brother to me, I want to protect him from the atrocities of the world. I know I can't, but I can sure as hell try. I love ya, bro. And I'll always be here if/when you need me. Until the day I die. If you're reading this (which I know you're probably not) I just wanted to let you know. Oh well, he knows it already I'm sure. I tell him all the time :) I guess it's just in my psychological nature to get feedback. Someone to tell me "Hey, thanks for being there for me" or "I appreciate everything you do" ...or "I'm proud of you." It's okay that he doesn't give feedback. I know that he knows. I know how he feels. So, it's all good lol.
Makes me sad he wants to leave WCU, maybe indefinitely. I want him to be happy, whatever he decides to do. But I don't want to miss him anymore... I know that's probably selfish of me, but he's the closest friend I've ever had in my life. I'm blessed to have met him. The stars must have been aligned that day. Who knew that we'd end up sharing this? We've grown together. He's changed me in ways I can't even find words to explain, and I thank him everyday for it.
Talked to Ty until 0210. He's really cool, and laid-back. I'm glad Terry "introduced" us.
Terry hasn't been on chat. I think it's because she didn't want to stay up all night again. I feel somewhat responsible. I mean I talk to her practically all day and all night. We both end up forgetting that she has to get up early for school. I want her to be happy too... with everything. She doesn't deserve having to deal with everyone else's problems on top of her own. That's too much for a young teenager to handle.
Still talking to Ezra, I mean he's online but the last thing he said was at 0523, so bid him farewell. Told him to have a good day in class. I can't go to sleep until I make sure my brother gets on the bus. Getting a little tired. Oh, and I decided I wasn't going to eat fast food or drink soda anymore, and also that I would exercise more. Like for reals this time. I know I'm not "fat." I'm actually at a healthy weight for my age and height. I just have pudge that I don't want to get out of control, is all. It can easily keep growing and growing if I let it, and I don't want that to happen.
Happy St. Patrick's Day,
-Elle
15 March 2011
WHAT THE BROWN?!?!?!?!?!?
Okay so Jerrica posted this on her Facebook:
http://weheartit.com/entry/778
Yeah I thought it was cute. THE FIRST TIME I SAW IT. I guess I can thank Ezra for that. He's the one that got me going to 4chan and FunnyJunk.
So I commented. I said "Repost."
Her response: "?"
My reply: "4chan b'aww threads."
And then apparently her bitch mode engaged, because she wrote this on my wall:
I mean what the shit, I was hoping to room with her next semester. I guess not anymore if she's going to be a bitch. OH AND GUESS WHAT? Shawn called. I explained it to him, and he said "Well, you do make Internet your life." How can you be mad at someone for saying they've seen it before? I mean yeah, I guess I ripped her glory, whatever. *Sigh* whatever...
Jesus fuck, why am I getting ganged-up on? At least I still have Ezra... he would understand, considering he made me this way. :)
http://weheartit.com/entry/778
Yeah I thought it was cute. THE FIRST TIME I SAW IT. I guess I can thank Ezra for that. He's the one that got me going to 4chan and FunnyJunk.
So I commented. I said "Repost."
Her response: "?"
My reply: "4chan b'aww threads."
And then apparently her bitch mode engaged, because she wrote this on my wall:
Shawn Michael Dawson Me too.7 minutes ago ·
Elle Ectabuzz IT WAS SARCASM. FUCK YOU. We hang out from the moment we wake up to practically the moment we fall asleep. Almost every day. I only get online at night to talk to Terry. So excuse the fuck out of me!
5 minutes ago ·
Shawn Michael Dawson We haven't hung out in days. It's like we hang out three days of the week, then I don't see you for a week.
2 minutes ago ·
Elle Ectabuzz We hung out Sunday, Shawn. Sorry for hanging out with my MOM! What the brown...
about a minute ago ·
Are you okay?
I feel like I offended you.
And I'm sorry.
It was just the way you said it. I didn't mean to offend you.
I'm sorry.
It was all in good fun though. I didn't mean it in a bad way.
Are we good?
I mean what the shit, I was hoping to room with her next semester. I guess not anymore if she's going to be a bitch. OH AND GUESS WHAT? Shawn called. I explained it to him, and he said "Well, you do make Internet your life." How can you be mad at someone for saying they've seen it before? I mean yeah, I guess I ripped her glory, whatever. *Sigh* whatever...
Jesus fuck, why am I getting ganged-up on? At least I still have Ezra... he would understand, considering he made me this way. :)
Lol.
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