2002 Tuesday 4 October 2011
Not joking ever again. Ever. Every time I do, I feel bad, because maybe I hit a nerve too hard. It's hard to tell if I did or not though. So from now on, I'll just not joke. If I hate getting misunderstood so much, why do I keep creating situations that cause it? I'm so stupid. Fuck... I tend to joke about the past. How it use to be. I'm not upset about it. I let it go. Whatever happened, happened. No one can change it. And it's not like that anymore, so it's not a big deal. I'm happy now. Happier than I've ever been. I want this feeling to last forever, and I'm not going to let anything that has happened or will happen bring it down.
Also, don't even know if my mother is alive or not. I keep expecting her to text and say "So, you ready to come home yet?" followed by a rant about 'choosing where I want to live, etc.' I texted her yesterday about the application fee for Western that I sent, but haven't gotten a reply. Not even a "K," which is the usual for her. I was thinking that with my brother and I out of the house (he's in SC with my dad) that she'd be out hitting the clubs, flirting with men. But I haven't heard from her in two days.
Haven't been writing in this because I'm at Ezra's and he's the only one besides Terry that reads it, so there's no point in writing in this if I can just hang out with him and tell him how I'm feeling. I don't know why I write in this at all, actually. I have nothing interesting to say. I only wrote to let Ezra and Terry, and whoever else I end up linking it to, can read about how I'm feeling. Which was depressed most of the time. But now I'm happy. And I doubt anybody wants to read about happiness. Let's face it: It's boring and annoying to read about how happy someone is, especially if the reader is sad. It's like "Let me rub my perfect life in your face." That's fucked up.
Yeah. Not feeling too great. Feeling guilty and worried. Not a good combo.
Goodnight...
-Elle
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