I think I want to go home.

Friday 14 October 2011

Not sure why. I just do. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome. The Byrds are fantastic and hospitable, but I don't want to be a burden on them anymore.

Ezra. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings all the times that I did. And I'm sorry for wanting to go home. I think you need some much needed time off from me. I need to give you time to miss me. Just know, that nothing is your fault. I'm just fond of affection. Kisses, hugs, cuddling, holding hands. "I love you"s... I thought me being here, you would drop your games and Reddit for a while, at least until I left. I figured, "he can do all that stuff while I'm gone. I have a limited time here, he would want to spend every waking minute with me, right?" (But what is there to do in Mebane without a car? Without walking 5 miles to get somewhere? Without begging for a ride somewhere?) I've always been told to stop assuming. I guess I'm just used to attention. Before you say "that's how I am, deal with it," I want to say that I'm not making you change anything. I'll just use this as a lesson learned on my part. I knew what I wanted. You. And I would do anything to make you mine. I did. And now I have you. I never want to lose you. I need to stop this insanity, I guess. Who needs affection anyway? Babies, I suppose. You and I both know that I put you on a pedestal. In my head, you were the most amazing person on the face of the planet. You still are. I love you so much, and I always will.

I just wanted to go out and DO SOMETHING with you. HANG OUT with you. BE SOMEWHERE with you. Be affectionate with you.

I texted mom. (She's mad at me because of something over facebook, and hasn't responded at all. Immature bitch. Glad to know if I was sick, she'd want to know. Psh.) I told her that I think I'm ready to come home. No response. I mean, I can always come back here. When Ezra misses me again. But for now, Reddit wins. I need to go home anyway. I don't have financial aid, so I'm probably not going back to WCU this spring (Another semester to hang out at Ezra's house! (Unless he goes back...)). So I need to get a job. Really. I need to be able to pay off my loan. I want money for myself. I want to be able to get my license, get a cheap car, and afford payments and insurance. I'm twenty fucking years old, I need to start acting like it.

Stupid "I'm not good enough" moods. Go away.