Hey Ezra.
Yes?
I dunno. Just wanted to say hey.
I just got home.
I think I was having Internet withdrawals.
It happens.
I never knew I would get that bad. Where all I want to be is on the Internet.
I was out driving with Shawn, and all I wanted to do was go home and get on my computer.
Damn.
Hey, Ezra?
Yes?
I just wanted to apologize again for all those times I've hurt you, but I thank you for taking me back. You didn't deserve to be hurt, and I didn't deserve to be taken back. But you did. Thank you for being my best friend, and being there for me.
I'm sorry... Thank you for forgiving me.
Also, I don't know if you know this, but you saved my life. I was so sad before I met you. I never had any good friends, I never thought anybody cared about me. (Besides Shawn.) I just wanted to give up. But when I met you everything changed. I had a reason to live again.
Just thought I'd let you know. You're my bro and I don't want to lose you ever again.
When I say "Shawn" what is the first thing that pops into your head?
Hmm..
I don't know.
I said first.
The first thing I saw was his face.
And then?
Nothing.
No flashbacks, no memories.
Just his face.
That's why I said "I don't know."
It's your brain.
What did you think?
What did you feel?
I thought of the things we've done over the past 5 years.
The good and the bad.
I don't know how I felt.
It felt like a trailer for a movie.
Okay, so this is thinking over time.
What's your knee jerk reaction to the name Shawn.
Well, yesterday when I heard it in the trailer for Source Code, I cringed a little.
But I thought it was because I don't really hear his name much in movies and wasn't used to it.
I mean I love him.
Stop.
He told me today that he wanted to get married before 12/21/2012, and my brain was like "NO."
If you have to make up excuses, then you know it's not true.
I'm not ready to get married. I don't know if that's just because of him or that I'm just not ready to settle down yet.
They're the same thing.
Whether it me marrying Shawn or getting married in general, is what I mean.
If you are not ready to settle down, then it is because the person you are with is not the person you want to settle down with. If it's him, then it's him.
The two things are not separate items.
So either way, it's him.
Essentially yes.
You have to think of it like a grocery store.
I thought he was "the one." I've thought that for years.
Would you want to buy marriage without buying the want to settle down?
No, I suppose not.
But I just don't think it's time yet. I'm not ready.
In general, to anyone.
Not ready for what?
Marriage, settling down.
Procreating.
"Cold feet."
Second thoughts?
Marriage is immediate procreation?
No.
Just because you're married you can't use contraceptives?
But it's all happening too fast.
That's not what I meant.
I meant over time.
What you're assuming is that the distance between steps is equal.
Or rather, constant.
I'm saying I don't want to be married.
Not right now.
X=1 year Y=6 years Z=15 years.
I don't know if ever.
Why?
I don't know if I want to be with him for the rest of my life.
Marriage changes nothing but your last name and your marriage status.
There it is.
I mean, I love being with him, and the thought of it was amazing, but...
Seems like a black hole.
So, when I say the name shawn, what comes to mind?
The reason I ask is because I feel that you're not in love with him what so ever.
I feel that too.
It's extremely tough for the mind to differentiate between love and prideful fear.
"I love him, but I'm not in love with him"?
I like that.
(The thought of being out of love is so painful to one's pride, the brain almost forces it.)
"Prideful fear."
Yes.
That's what I felt towards my last girlfriend.
And once it becomes that, it's EXTREMELY hard to get rid of
Truthfully, I still feel it.
And it's been nearly 4 years.
I don't want to leave him. I can't.
But, she was my first love.
My heart won't let me.
You need to stop thinking of your heart as a physical representation of your emotions.
Your heart doesn't think.
My brain won't let me.
Wrong again.
Your drugs won't let you.
What-ever-controls-emotions won't let me.
What you "feel" feels good, right?
I don't really know...
Part of it does, part doesn't
This is nothing but your addiction to Oxytocin.
The drug that promotes monogomy.
?
Created by your brain during moments of "attachment"
Oh.
Okay, then yeah.
Same reason it's hard to get rid of personal items.
Sentimental value.
Because when you see that item, your brain pumps out Oxytocin like nobodies business.
Yeah
So that's all your relationship is right now.
A series of withdrawal syndromes.
Otherwise you'd also have dopamine, saratonin, all kinds of other drugs.
And you wouldn't have these feelings.
Your brain would suppress them so much so that the drugs would simply become truth.
True.
Leave him Elle.
:(
Do it.
I can't... My addiction to Oxytocin won't let me... I see into his eyes or feel his skin and never want to live without him...
Or that's what it wants me to think.
I don't want to feel forever alone...
But then...
I've been in this relationship so long that I wouldn't know what to do.
With him I feel stable.
Like I have a set future.
That I won't have to worry.
You have 70+ years left.
If I leave him I don't think I could ever have him back, if I wanted to.
Over 25,000 days.
Life's too short.
25,000 days?
Yeah. That feels really short.
600,000 hours?
Ticking away...
36 million minutes?
I now have the feeling like I'm running out of time...
Seeing both scenarios I feel like I would be happy with and without him...
I thought he was the one I was supposed to be with for life. And if I lose that I won't ever get it back. I guess it's a little-girls psychology.
What I grew up with.
What I'm used to.
what I was told
How I was raised.
I know I should... Something won't let me...
I wish my brain would let me agree with you and just do it.
"But then..." what?
Thanks... for helping me understand my retarded emotions.
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