Indifferent.

1857 Thursday 19 May 2011

Been talking to Benjes. He's a really nice guy, but I can understand why he is the way he is. He and I have more in common than I originally thought.

Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much. Miss. Need. Want. Love. Everyone I know, I care about. I miss everyone. I wish I didn't feel. But I don't want to just bottle my feelings away, never to see the light of day. I don't know...

Nick.

That kid's always trying to cheer me up. He said he misses me, needs me, loves me. All in a no-bromo way. He says he's proud of me. And that I'm pretty. And smart, and clever. And funny, most days. It makes me happy, but it doesn't last long. I crave human contact. I need to see people face to face. I want to feel hugs. Not **hugs**. I want to feel needed. Wanted. Just in general. And I wish I could help people not hurt anymore. That's what I want most. I'm not a selfish person. Quite the opposite. But sometimes I just want to BELIEVE that I'm wanted or needed... or loved. Is that so much to ask?

Meh... I don't like feeling sad. Actually, I wouldn't call it sad, but I don't know what to call it. I like feeling happy. I used to feel happy. I don't like people worrying about me. But I don't want to pretend to be happy. I just want to BE happy. I wish I had a time machine. One that would actually work, instead of one that would just cause a space-time rip or infinite loop, like Ezra and I discussed long ago. That way I could change all the bad things.

Why the fuck am I talking about my feelings. No one cares. Subject change time.
Nick said when he gets paid, he would buy Terraria for me. I told him not to, but he insists that I would like it. That, and he wants me to multiplayer with him lol. Omegle has been fruitful. I haven't found trolls that I can joke with, like expected. But I found some genuinely nice people.

I wish Nick would hurry up and get online. I like talking to him. But I dislike hearing how he's sad because of Katherine (as with Ezra and Terry sometimes). I tell him that I'm here if he needs to vent. And he does. As long as he feels better about getting it off his chest, it makes me happy. But I need him. I feel like crying again, and he's the only one that lends me his virtual shoulder to cry on. And says things that get my hopes up, or makes me laugh. We only live 25 minutes away from each other, but I wish he lived closer. Virtual shoulders are only comforting in theory. Nothing beats a real shoulder. With arms wrapped around you. A voice saying everything's going to be okay... ;_;

It's taken me like, forever to write this. I keep going back and forth to facebook. IMing Benjes, and Ian. And watching Regular Show. My stomach hurts. I don't remember the last time I ate anything. I haven't been sleeping well. I've become a helpless pathetic wreck. :/ Been this way for months now. Only at first, I pretended I was happy. But at least I have friends, a best friend, and a bestest friend in the whole wide world that care about me. At least enough to talk to me almost everyday. :)

I hate seeing rage comics that show girls being dumb bitches or ones that make girls look like selfish control freaks. Not because I'm a girl, but because I'm not like that and not all girls are. I'm not air-headed and conceited. I'm down-to-earth. I like video games and computer shit. I like playing in dirt. Hell, I feel like "bachelorette frog" half the time. :P

Thinking about maybe possibly considering getting something to eat,
-Elle