24 May 2011

Making up my mind.

1107 Tuesday 24 May 2011

So I fell in love again, got my heart broken, and decided I wasn't going to do it again. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? But this time hurt more, and I don't want it to happen again. Everything is good now. Feelings were denounced. And I strangely feel better. It's always a bad thing to fall in love with your best friend. You end up ruining all the good shit you have with them. And I think I would much rather him be my best friend than anything else.

I've been playing pokemon for the last 4 hours. Spent most of my time leveling up to evolve, filling up my pokedex and whatnot. Going to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4 today, and don't know what I'll be doing tonight. No specific plans yet. Maybe hanging with Ian, but he has to work tomorrow.

Ian had wooden puzzles in his car. I solved this one easy:
 This one took a bit longer:
 And he said if I solved this one, I could have it:
Took me about an hour, but I got it :D

Anyway, I'm gonna hop off of here. Have a good day everyone.
-Elle

22 May 2011

Drunk post.

Why? I dunno.

1128 Sunday 22 May 2011

And I'm not drunk. Just buzzed. "Tipsy," if you will. I needed a release. And I feel stress-free right now. So it did it's job. And I feel like dancing. To some CRAZY ass music. I don't think I've ever felt this good, not from alcohol anyway. Wasn't much, Cherry Dr. Pepper and a little E&J VSOP brandy (ratio was about 3:1, respectively). And I don't see this as addictive. I don't see this as a downward spiral into disaster. This is just a one time occurrence, and I don't plan on doing this again anytime soon. It just feels good to let go. I am fully aware of my actions. Although I laughed at the toilet paper a while ago. I knocked it off the counter and couldn't stop laughing. xD

Watching Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. It's pretty good. I loved the 8-bit "Universal Studios" intro. Chatting with Ty. Thinking about going to sleep soon. Tired. I got this really odd wanting to dye my hair blue for some reason. I'm sure it will pass lol. I really want to see Nick and Ezra and Logan. I miss them. I feel so lonely at home. Definitely not drunk enough to have a hangover but gonna end this blog soon. Gonna sleep now. Feel like I could sleep for weeks. I can feel my fingers. Like... Typing by themselves.

Good "night" everyone,
-Elle

Update - 1639:
Well that was a pleasant nap. Stomach hurts now though ;)

19 May 2011

Smiling.

2344 Thursday 19 May 2011

Feels fantastic. I am now talking to Dane, Nick, Benjes still, and Callie. Brodie suggested a song, and I loved it. I don't know why. And Callie pretty much "witnessed" to me. It was refreshing to hear, at least.

Nick is online. :) Just saying (again).

Saw Ezra online for like a minute then offline again. Terry isn't responding.

I am drinking Arizona Raspberry Tea. :D

You know what? I know I have "exceedingly" good mental qualities. And I'd like to keep it that way. I'm not going to let myself be sad. Fuck that. :) That would just take away from my otherwise awesome personality. Confidence is beauty. And I'm starting to feel good about myself. I am pretty. I'm not hot, or gorgeous. But I think I'm average. I'm not butt-ugly at least lol. So yeah... people have said I'm pretty, but I never believe them. I guess it's because of growing up being tormented. But fuck them. Thank you Nick, Dane, Ian, Benjes, and random omegle people lol. You people make me feel beautiful. :3 ...And a special thanks to Ezra, for all the teachings and awesome times we shared at Western and epic IM conversations. You all make me feel amazing.

Haha. In such a good mood now. ^_^
-Elle

Indifferent.

1857 Thursday 19 May 2011

Been talking to Benjes. He's a really nice guy, but I can understand why he is the way he is. He and I have more in common than I originally thought.

Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much. Miss. Need. Want. Love. Everyone I know, I care about. I miss everyone. I wish I didn't feel. But I don't want to just bottle my feelings away, never to see the light of day. I don't know...

Nick.

That kid's always trying to cheer me up. He said he misses me, needs me, loves me. All in a no-bromo way. He says he's proud of me. And that I'm pretty. And smart, and clever. And funny, most days. It makes me happy, but it doesn't last long. I crave human contact. I need to see people face to face. I want to feel hugs. Not **hugs**. I want to feel needed. Wanted. Just in general. And I wish I could help people not hurt anymore. That's what I want most. I'm not a selfish person. Quite the opposite. But sometimes I just want to BELIEVE that I'm wanted or needed... or loved. Is that so much to ask?

Meh... I don't like feeling sad. Actually, I wouldn't call it sad, but I don't know what to call it. I like feeling happy. I used to feel happy. I don't like people worrying about me. But I don't want to pretend to be happy. I just want to BE happy. I wish I had a time machine. One that would actually work, instead of one that would just cause a space-time rip or infinite loop, like Ezra and I discussed long ago. That way I could change all the bad things.

Why the fuck am I talking about my feelings. No one cares. Subject change time.
Nick said when he gets paid, he would buy Terraria for me. I told him not to, but he insists that I would like it. That, and he wants me to multiplayer with him lol. Omegle has been fruitful. I haven't found trolls that I can joke with, like expected. But I found some genuinely nice people.

I wish Nick would hurry up and get online. I like talking to him. But I dislike hearing how he's sad because of Katherine (as with Ezra and Terry sometimes). I tell him that I'm here if he needs to vent. And he does. As long as he feels better about getting it off his chest, it makes me happy. But I need him. I feel like crying again, and he's the only one that lends me his virtual shoulder to cry on. And says things that get my hopes up, or makes me laugh. We only live 25 minutes away from each other, but I wish he lived closer. Virtual shoulders are only comforting in theory. Nothing beats a real shoulder. With arms wrapped around you. A voice saying everything's going to be okay... ;_;

It's taken me like, forever to write this. I keep going back and forth to facebook. IMing Benjes, and Ian. And watching Regular Show. My stomach hurts. I don't remember the last time I ate anything. I haven't been sleeping well. I've become a helpless pathetic wreck. :/ Been this way for months now. Only at first, I pretended I was happy. But at least I have friends, a best friend, and a bestest friend in the whole wide world that care about me. At least enough to talk to me almost everyday. :)

I hate seeing rage comics that show girls being dumb bitches or ones that make girls look like selfish control freaks. Not because I'm a girl, but because I'm not like that and not all girls are. I'm not air-headed and conceited. I'm down-to-earth. I like video games and computer shit. I like playing in dirt. Hell, I feel like "bachelorette frog" half the time. :P

Thinking about maybe possibly considering getting something to eat,
-Elle

16 May 2011

Interesting 12 hour talks.

1519 Monday 16 May 2011

I'm sure there's a song out there to describe it perfectly. But I can only find two that come even the slightest bit close. Anyway. Talked to Brodie last night about Slenderman, and a few other CreepyPastas. There are YouTube vid series we're both keeping up with. One is MarbleHornets (and ToTheArk), and the other is TribeTwelve. The acting and plot are okay, waiting to see where they go from here.

Talked to Terry a little. Not much to say there except there's something fun planned with Benjes involving cross-dressing.

Talked to Ian and Patrick again last night. Let's just say Patrick is jealous that me and Ian hung out by ourselves. He's his best friend, I've only known him 2 weeks, and I guess that's against bro code. Whatever. I only honor bro code for those that I deem worthy. The three of us saw Thor for free when it came out (Pat works at the theater and can do free showings). I think we're going to see Priest soon too? Meh. I don't like tons of attention and they shower me with it. I mean, I appreciate it. I just wish they'd stop staring at me. :/

Ezra.
Because everyone knows I can't write a blog post without mentioning him.
We talked about video games, IT specialists, Google, Portal 2, scary/horror stories and movies, Minecraft, memes, the zoo, Rapture hoax and religion, music we like (metal and dubstep) and why some songs don't meet our criteria/standards for "epic," Ed Ed and Eddy, and a "brief" discussion of the theory of the multiverse.
I'm glad our conversations aren't boring. I hate talking to people I barely have anything in common with.

Me? I didn't sleep last night. And I really don't feel like sleeping right now either. I probably should, but... mmmmyeah I should probably sleep. So far this morning I've been singing, swept the kitchen, vacuumed and dusted in the living room, and now I'm "relaxing" on my bed listening to songs that only make me feel worse. Although... I am feeling a lot better than I have been in weeks (mentally). Was talking to Nick and Dane, but everyone went offline on me. Nick is good for venting, and Dane is a good confidence booster. :)

Watching Courage the Cowardly Dog... Somehow hungry after eating 12 rolls of Smarties, half a (long) can of Pringles, and three of those chocolate "Sweet Sixteen" miniature doughnuts. I felt a little sick, but now I just feel... Sugar crash, maybe? My eyes are getting tired. Meh... Maybe I'll succumb to a deep slumber, filled with alternate realities. I'll probably get woken up. By a call, or text. Or mom.

I don't know what else to say...
-Elle

P.S. I've been awake for 28 hours. I finally lay down and close my eyes, when mom gets home. She made me make cheesecake, make tea, wash four potatoes, and wash a few dishes. I can't catch a break. But I'm a selfless person. I please people that matter to me. I'll stay up all night and talk to my best friend in the whole world and then turn around and do whatever mom throws at me. Fuck sleep. I'm not beautiful, so it's not like I need it anyway.

P.P.S. Was going to go to sleep, but Nick got back online. Talking to him now. Stomach is rumbling. Might as well just stay up.

10 May 2011

And boom goes the dynamite.

1637 Tuesday 10 May 2011

So last night was fun. Me and Patrick went to Ian's apartment to play Brink (which came out at midnight). It's really not my thing, first person shooters. So I played a little Minecraft, surfed a little FunnyJunk, and chatted with Ezra until like six in the morning. I wanted to get offline. I was tired. Ended up staying awake until nine, watching TV. Top Gear was on, so we watched that. I like Ian, he's cool. And funny. And not bad looking either. Insert 2nd grade "Elle and Ian, sitting in a tree" here lol. But nah, it's not like that. He's like Ezra is to me. A friend. A bro. And they both troll me. Ian's not as bad though, he ends up smiling and gives it away. ;) Anyway, Patrick said we're hitting it off well for people that only met a week ago (and the three of us have only hung out 3 times). I was the same with Ezra. I guess I know a good friend when I see one. ^_^

I am in love with Portal 2's "Want You Gone." I cannot stop listening to it. Ezra is right, GLaDOS's voice is intoxicating. Speaking of which, can't go to his house Friday, as Nick has to work and couldn't get it off. So I'll definitely be there next week. He finds out on Saturday what days he's got off. Just seems like whenever I choose a specific day, it never goes as planned. Oh well, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," I guess.

I thought I was going to say something else, but I don't remember. If I do I'll make another post or something.

Food time,
-Elle

09 May 2011

I'm going to legit write in this thing today.

1533 Monday 9 May 2011

I'm not fed up with Terry, I just don't want to talk about what I'm fed up with. I'm not going to share everything with everybody. I have trust issues I suppose. Not as bad as others, but they're still there. I mean, yeah, I would love to be able to tell the world. But I can't. Because the information could fall into the wrong hands and destroy everything I hold close to me. No, it's not that bad lol. It's just that Nick understands what I'm going through because he's been there before, that's why I told him. Like I told Shawn about my statuses, If you read what I post please don't assume that it's about you. It's not.

I've been nothing but stressed these past few weeks. With emotions, and school stuff, and financial aid, and Sudo getting sick, and mom on my case about every little thing. I need to release it. I thought posting a blog full of handwritten (not copypasta) "fucks" would help. But it caused nothing but pain. And I'm sorry that it hurt the people I care about. I hope this is a good enough apology. :(

On a good note, Nick is taking me to see Ezra (and Terry) this Friday. It's good because I miss Ezra, and I really want to meet Terry. Maybe Benjes will be there, I dunno. I just don't want to feel like a 3rd/5th wheel. :/ Hopefully I'll get to play Portal 2 co-op with Ezra at least once while I'm there. He said he got a second controller so Terry could play.

I'm going to my high school (West Stokes) tomorrow to get my transcript, and then taking a trip to Surry C.C. To take a "tour" and talk to someone in the office. I have questions. I love WCU, it just had too many distractions. I'll go back eventually.

I'm making a fully-furnished, two-story, three bedroom, two bathroom house with a kitchen, dining room, living room, and foyer (with closet). It's got a covered front porch too. I'm only half done with the first floor. I was going to play last night but I got distracted by FunnyJunk. Lol, oh well.

I have no idea what I'm doing today, but I suppose I'll start with taking a shower.
Later,
-Elle

08 May 2011

FUCK.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I'm getting tired of this shit. Nick knows what I'm talking about. Because he cares. Shout out to him. Bro love.

07 May 2011

Draw my thing.

Best game ever. So funny.

Nick is taking me to see Ezra. I guess on Friday because that's what Terry wants.

I beat Portal 2 on Wednesday. Fun.

Not going back to Western, CSC at Surry. Less distractions.

Headache,
-Elle